5 Food-Related Things That Piss Me Off

There are only a few instances in which food brings me pain and suffering as opposed to comfort and pleasure.

They are:

a) when I’m forced to eat a bad example of one of my favorite foods — that feeling is pretty much akin to finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real

b) when slowly but surely my jeans get so tight that I have a hard time walking, and

c) when people just generally take an ax to the art of eating. Today, I would like to discuss the category that is “c.” So here it is: the strange food items and even stranger approaches to eating that truly and deeply concern me.

1. Wraps

Every time I’ve attempted to give the whole “wrap” thing a go, I take a mere three bites before wondering why my sandwich is hiding inside of a burrito. For what reason has it chosen this disguise? The thing is this: If I want a burrito, I’ll order a burrito. If I want a sandwich, I’m gonna have a sandwich. Why you gotta go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else, wraps, and it makes me frustrated.

2. Small Fancy Desserts

What the hell is this golf-ball-sized fruit-filled thing doing on my plate, and why does it look like it’s dressed up to go to Cinderella’s ball? Am I supposed to eat it or am I supposed to put it in an expensive glass box and place it on a mantle? Where, more importantly, is the giant gooey brownie with delicious and mysterious chunks in it that would actually pass for a legitimate savory treat? I have a lot of questions.

3. People who drizzle their fries with ketchup before eating them

What makes you think you’re getting all those fries covered evenly? What makes you think there’s not gonna be one fry with way too much ketchup on it and many fries with not nearly enough? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A WIZARD?

4. The popular “take your Oreo apart, lick the center, then eat the cookie” approach

I know the cream filling is good, but why must you lap it up like a wild cat and then begrudgingly eat the chocolate cookies afterward as if it’s some sort of punishment?

Don’t you realize that these two foods have been sandwiched together because they taste like religion when you eat them simultaneously? I really believe this is a case where you should just take things as they come. (The opposite case rests in the cupcake, where your best choice is clearly to take half the bottom off and smoosh it on top, thus creating a cupcake sandwich, frosting-in-center. I know what you’re eating for second-dinner.)

5. People who eat pizza with a fork

What do you think this is, a pan-seared soy-glazed rack of lamb??? IT’S A PIECE OF GODDAMN PIZZA. I don’t care if you taco it, burrito it, grind up on it, whatever. Just take the metaphorical argyle sweater off from around your shoulders and shove the thing into your mouth before somebody gets offended. TC mark


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  • A.

    although i don’t agree with all of these the cupcake sandwich makes up for it

  • Alex

    I have to eat pizza with a fork because my teeth don’t close all the way and I can’t bite a bit off in order to eat it :(

    • Jen

      That is one of the saddest things I’ve heard in a while.  There is an exception to every rule, and you are it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000127422406 Kat Lawson

    The cupcake idea is genius, but any halfway decent cupcake won’t stand up to having half the bottom lopped off like that. A cupcake sandwich would only work on a shitty dry cupcake that doesn’t crumb at all. 

    • A.

      This comment makes no sense, any decent MOIST, not dry, cupcake will stay together when you break it apart. Dry and stale are not the same thing.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000127422406 Kat Lawson

        I suppose you may be right. I guess most of the best cupcakes I can remember eating I also recall went to crumbs immediately in my hands.

  • Michaelwg


  • http://twitter.com/MisiaGalka Misia Galka

    Ketchup is for dipping, not drizzling!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1271070228 Megan Nicole

    Ahhhhhhh!! Five five five!!!! Biggest pet peeve EVER! I can barely even go out to pizza places anymore, whenever I see someone doing that I just want to up to the and yank their plate away saying “You do not deserve to the awesomeness that is pizza!”

    • Stephanie Savas

      This makes you a bit of a loser. You have trouble going to pizza places because of something someone else does that literally does not affect you at all?

      • Heh

        It’s like when your teaching is erasing the board and misses one little spot. You’re the one getting angry at a writer who got an article on TC, tagged under humor! This literally does not affect you at all!

  • Abc123

    Cupcake sandwich, always. Works best with mini-cupcakes. Never attempt this with a “cupcake” from Crumbs or anywhere similar – too messy, and anyone who is eating something from Crumbs isn’t someone who actually likes cupcakes.

  • Amanda

    I hate everything about this. This article is not factually sound.

  • eeeicram

    This article wasn’t funny at all.

    • Ed

      It tries a bit too hard.

    • Veronica

      Really? I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

  • Beea_73

    but why the angry tone? were you hungry when you wrote the article??;) or maybe this is your writing style. in this  case it doesn t appeal to me..too angry for a beautiful thursday morning

    • guest

      the title says “food-related things that piss me off” umm obvi it’s going to have an angry tone, bro. 

  • Hailey

    But what about Chicago-style pizza? You MUST eat that with a fork?

    • Person actually from Chicago

       Lol no you musn’t.

  • Guest

    Didn’t appreciate the angry tone

  • shannon

    you already had me from the very beginning but the fact that you incorporated an avril lavigne lyric into your diatribe against wraps makes me want to worship you for the rest of my days.

  • http://twitter.com/meganmvo Megan Vo

    deep dish pizza tho dawg

    • Guest

      this struggle is real

  • Lindsay

    i laughed out loud the whole time

  • Anonymous

    Dessert balls. I die.

  • Stephanie Savas

    This is basically a list of things you don’t need to participate in, such as ordering the wrap or tiny dessert; and a list of other peoples behaviors which shouldn’t bother you at all. Why the heck do you care how someone puts ketchup on their fries?

    Some people like wraps because they’re less messy than a sandwich, theres only one opening (usually) for things to fall out of, as opposed to 4, they also don’t get as soggy as quickly.

    Some people like tiny desserts because some people understand the concept that dessert need not be a 2 pound ice cream sundae or a piece of cake the size of your head.

    Some people eat their pizza with utensils because they don’t like getting their fingers greasy, or risk dripping cheese, sauce or grease on their clothing.

    If you don’t like them, don’t order them. Don’t pull your oreos apart, dip your fries in ketchup and eat your pizza like a New Yorker, quit complaining.

    • Anonymous

      Oh no! Someone got offended on the internet! 

    • Guest

      why must people take everything so seriously? 

    • annie

      NEW RULE: someone who cares that someone else doesn’t like how someone else puts ketchup on their fries is not authorized to ask why someone else cares how someone else puts ketchup on their fries. 

      guys i think this could really work

  • http://twitter.com/alalalex alex

    Am I really the only person who enjoyed this and agrees wholeheartedly?

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    “What makes you think you’re getting all those fries covered evenly? What makes you think there’s not gonna be one fry with way too much ketchup on it and many fries with not nearly enough? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A WIZARD?”

  • http://twitter.com/alainalatona alainalatona

    Is it okay to eat pizza with a fork if it’s super hot in your hands but you’re okay with sacrificing your mouth to enjoy it?

  • Caroline

    “Don’t you realize that these two foods have been sandwiched together because they taste like religion when you eat them simultaneously?” Love. 

  • Helene

    oh I still do number 4 but I am a child that way

  • Rishtopher

    I can’t believe I’ve never had a cupcake sandwich before. I can’t help but feel that this knowledge was hidden from me.

    Also, am I the only one who enjoyed the Avril Lavigne reference? 

  • guest

      DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A WIZARD?<<<< Comedy !

  • Anonymous

    Niggling complaints like this are more palatable when the writing is funny.

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