I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Wanted Me To

I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to say it in any other way. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for giving you false hope. I’m sorry for letting you think that everything was okay, when it obviously wasn’t. I’m sorry for not telling you soon enough. I’m sorry for telling you we were on the same level, when I wasn’t even sure myself. I’m sorry for being cold and ignoring you out of the blue. I’m sorry if you think that I never cared or I didn’t have feelings for you.

Because I did.

You were important to me too. You still are. I may look like I’m okay, but I’m not. I am far from okay. You were so important to me and I didn’t want to lose you ever. But I did. I lost you. And it fucking hurts. It hurts to be in the same room with you and not be able to talk to you or laugh with you or even look at you.

I wanted to tell you how it felt for me too. I wanted to share the pain of us ending, with you. But I can’t. Because people can’t just be friends with someone they hurt, pretending like they didn’t just rip their heart out.

I deserve this pain, because you were so good to me and I fucking destroyed you. I destroyed you, and now it’s slowly destroying me too.

You probably hate me. Our friends probably hate me. I hate myself for it too. You have no idea how I beat myself up over it everyday; I lost a dear friend because I was selfish and stupid.

But I did have feelings for you, you know. You told me you loved me once. I loved you too, but maybe not in the way you wanted me to. Maybe my love is the reason why I left. Because somehow I realized that we’d be better off apart, that we’ll work better as friends, that I’m not the one for you.

I hope you find her someday. I hope she will make you happy even though I couldn’t. I hope she will be there to listen to you ramble about Star Wars or Captain America because I wasn’t. I hope she will love you, really love you, like she can live without you but chooses not to. Because I’m sure you will make her happy. I’m sure you will be there to listen to her babble about band members. I’m sure you will love her, like she walks in starlight in another world.

Go and find her. And when you do find her, I want to let you know that I’ll be here waiting for you to tell me your story. I want to you to know that I want you to be happy. And maybe you’ll thank me for what I did. Tell me you finally understand it now. You understand that everything – the feelings, the pain – was meant to happen for you to be with her and you’ll thank me. I’ll be there on your wedding day and I’ll be infinitely happy.

I’ll be here. I’ll always be here, because I meant it when I said I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.