On the outside, you appear to be the perfect couple. As a matter of fact, you are the envy of both, friends and family. You are both successful in your careers, have a comfortable financial situation, you laugh, tease and chat easily with each other in social situations and seem to have a great chemistry and bonding.
Yet in private, there are complaints, doubts and seems like dead-end arguments, angry outbursts, crying spells. There’s a run of no freedom, no appreciation, no joy, no satisfaction, no positives. Your relationship like the infamous Titanic looks good on the outside but is crumbling inside.
Now before you read any further, remember, thoughts are very powerful mechanisms and they can work for or against you. So, don’t keep telling yourself that the relationship or marriage is going under; it is possibly just how you are looking at it and/or your over-sized expectations or more possibly, your over-worked imagination.
Romance begins when doubts end. So, clear your mind and accept – that things aren’t going to be as rosy-cozy as they were in the beginning. Couples evolve together and so there are bound to be changes in you, in your partner and your feelings for each other – they grow deeper not boring! Familiarity brings in a few fights and with additional responsibilities you may feel that the love is fading. But it is up to you to rekindle the spark and bring the magic back from the brink of death.
1. Firstly, understand the goals of your relationship.
Contemporary spouses are expected to facilitate each other’s psychological, emotional, social, physical, personal, and professional needs and growth. When these needs are not met, your feelings get hurt and you hurt back in retaliation. This is a foolish, painful game with no takers, but we all do it.
Most problems arise from a deprivation of emotional oxygen, nurturing, respect and attention that both expect and need from each other. And the solution is laughably simple. Simple statements like – “You’ve been working too hard” or “This new recipe you’ve tried is brilliant” or “You look great” go a long way in softening the hard edges.
2. Openly discuss your needs, your goals and expectations, your hopes, secret musings, dreams and aspirations; not only with the relationship, but all aspects of life.
Talk about what troubles you about the other. Discuss things that you admire in the other.
Sometimes even expressing feelings of envy about something your partner does better than you or towards someone they admire can have a positive effect, provided it is expressed honestly and warmly.
3. Enjoy all the little rare moments, the quirks, the differences, the mannerisms, the interests and the unique habits that you have never honestly been able to get your head around.
It is these things that make the person what they are; take that away and they are not who you fell in love with.
Do not try to change them into something they are not, even if it is infinitely more convenient like that.
4. Keep certain sweet rituals alive – like giving flowers on certain days, making a special dish on the weekend, going out to your mutually favorite restaurant or doing a certain activity together when you both have the time.
Some things never get old.
But don’t forget, just as routines make things established and special, spontaneity is highly essential too. So don’t turn down your partner’s suggestion without considering it.
5. If you feel you have been out of sync lately, find common goals add new dimensions to your relationship – take a class together, play a game, learn a new language and tease each other in it, watch some movie on mute and mock the dialogues or even add ridiculous sound effects.
The trick is to actively aim at getting the fun as well as solidify the friendship. You can even try out each other’s hobbies and make an effort to learn about the other’s interests. Who knows, it just might be your hidden strength.
6. Just talk.
Sound mundane and dull? But often this vital pulse of a relationship gets lost in the chaos and daily drama.
Bring up something unusual – something you talk and chuckle over with your besties, something you always wanted to know, something you experienced but never got a chance to talk about, anything but routine stuff and definitely not much about your work life. Ask them their opinions about the same. Make sure you LISTEN and remember. It isn’t always about you.
7. Remember how at the beginning you would go that extra mile to impress?
Put on your sexy streak and the killer clothes to go with it. Do it again and right. Express your self-love as much as your love for your partner.
Compliments are effective, even scientifically speaking, as they release endorphins, which make your partner feel instant pleasure and more connected to you. But keep it legitimate and sincere.
8. Remember, it is not a power game.
No matter what you have got going, in your career or family or personal life – do not try to hog power. Share it. Develop a more accepting attitude. You are in love. Your partner is not your pawn in the board game called life – no matter how much you love the kick of having your partner run after you. It becomes toxic after a point.
9. Try and understand the phenomenon of anger.
A little display of this emotion every now and then may be healthy to the extent that it helps you clear the air and resolve whatever has been bothering you, but if it is frequent enough to wreck your daily life and maybe even make you lose your sleep, then you need to tone it down.
Try and reach out to them – understand what they are really saying when they lash out. Read between the lines – calm down and discuss it with a bit of insight and maturity.
It doesn’t hurt to come to a compromise Also, attack the problem – not the person. Don’t bring things that upset you in the past to the present argument, no matter how good you are at recalling every possible detail. Don’t hit below the belt – even though it might seem tempting to hurt them as much as you are hurting.
10. If your problems are affecting your sex life – then don’t keep fidgeting with the problem and warding off intimacy.
For most people, relationship problems that enter the bedroom often create an unbridgeable gap. But once you understand this fact, you can change it.
Remember how much you love being loved and possessed. It is not a solution though. Make-up sex never is. But if it can help you both, be in the present, enjoy the moment and move past whatever it is that is troubling you. Set the mood for it though. Steer clear of emotional dramas and mood killers.
11. Take a trip!
As clichéd as it sounds, it is a guaranteed hit. Getting away from routines, the infinite cycle of to-do-lists and responsibilities and everyday scenes, will make some room for romance. Go for a hike, to the beach, for a drive outside town, anything. With no distractions, you can realize each other’s importance anew. Remember, your partner is on your side. You are in this together. And you are both capable of the love and happiness you initially promised.
So get out of your dreary comfort zone and reach out to life!