I’ve been sarcastic since the day I was born. When the obstetrician smacked my newborn baby butt, I probably told him, “Hey! At least buy me dinner first!”
Through years of dating and finally marrying someone who could put up with my wit and wisecracks (and mistakes!), I learned that there are some rules sarcastic ladies must follow if they want to have a successful relationship that lasts more than five minutes and doesn’t result in their date sobbing in a bathroom.
- First and foremost, know the fine line between sarcasm and witchiness. Oh, there’s a fine line, alright, and it’s so easy for the sarcastic lady to cross it. Remember that guys are drawn to an independent, opinionated,funny gal. They steer clear of a nagging, cut-throat, ruthless witch. Witch can also be spelled with a “b.” Duh.
- Sarcasm too soon in the relationship isn’t good. When you open your door and see your blind date, it’s best not to verbally speak your first impression. Say he’s wearing a hideously ugly orange shirt, try to refrain from any pumpkin references. I’m sure he has other clothes. Better yet? You can take him shopping. Duh.
- Learn how to take a compliment. I have a hard time accepting compliments, as do most sarcastic people. If someone says they like my earrings, I usually scoff and drone on about how they accentuate my large Dumbo-like ears. If your date compliments you, a simple “thank you” will suffice. Duh.
- Know when to turn off the sarcasm. Remember your old Jem doll with the earring switch on the back of her neck? Well, unfortunately, satire doesn’t have a switch. You have to learn to control your “gift” of mockery. If your new date is baring his soul to you concerning his father issues, don’t yawn and give him Dr. Phil’s email address. The fact that he’s comfortable enough to confide in you is probably a good thing. Duh.
- Tough love isn’t always best. If your new beau brings home chunky peanut butter instead of your preferred creamy Jif, gently correct him. Dramatically pretending to crack your tooth on a nut and threatening him with your dental bills is just rude. And traumatizing. Duh.
- Act excited. If he surprises you with basketball season tickets, but you loathe hoops, sighing and blowing your bangs out of your face while dryly replying, “Yippee” isn’t the nicest way to respond. It won’t kill you to be enthusiastic once in a while. Duh.
- Try to conceal your hatred. So things are progressing nicely in your relationship and you just met his mother. She laughs like a hyena and made it clearly known that you aren’t good enough to scoop up her Jack Russell’s feces. Smile and politely nod instead of calling her Mommy Dearest and jamming a steak knife into her eye. Duh.
- Keep the all caps texts to a minimum. YOU CAN PROVE A POINT WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TEXT MESSAGES. DUH.
- Don’t mix sarcasm and emotion. Emotional scenes tend to make the sardonic uncomfortable. Telling him how well you can see his receding hair line while he’s down on one knee with a little black box isn’t cool. Duh.
- Make it clearly known when you aren’t being sarcastic. You crack so many jokes that it’s hard for your significant other to know when you aren’t trying to be funny. Learn to confidently say, “I’m being serious right now” when you are discussing fidelity or other major issues. You never want him to think he has your blessing to do body shots off some chick in a leather corset. Duh.
Sarcastic ladies, your sense of humor isn’t for wimps. That faint-hearted guy probably isn’t for you. That’s okay. Don’t change who you are or ever be ashamed of your gift of dry wit. You’ll find someone who appreciates it.
Better yet, you’ll find a guy who can match your one-liners with his own. That is truly magical.