People will walk in and out of your life for one reason or another. This is a product of human relationships. As long as we choose to remain social beings connected to others through friendship and love, we will continue to experience breakups and endings.
Some of us are more sensitive and deeply affected by relationship endings, and they can wreak havoc on our mental health. These separations are often confusing and sometimes very painful. As a woman who grew up with childhood trauma, endings were devastating for me.
We all know people who seem less affected and who move on more easily and don’t experience the same sense of loss and grief. These people appear to manage letting go and moving on with more ease. Perhaps this is their protective shield to avoid pain and loss, or they may not become as attached as we do.
I’m not referring to casual relationships where we enjoy great connections and time spent together, and we understand when the friendship has run its course and that it was probably not meant to be much more. We know how to remember and cherish these experiences without any grand expectations, and endings are often pleasant.
All endings or breakups with close friends or lovers were traumatic for me. In my mind, people were supposed to stay, work things out because we loved each other, because we had so much history together. If you grew up with any trauma or abandonment issues as I did, you are probably very sensitive to the idea that people are leaving you, and my guess is you need to know why.
There are so many reasons why people decide to go, and most of them are part of that individual’s own story. We can’t possibly see life through everyone else’s lens, we can only begin to develop our own self-awareness and regulate our own emotions when these situations arise.
When I see a client facing an ending that doesn’t make sense to her or him, I see them struggle so much with the ‘why.’ Chances are if you don’t know the why, you probably will never know the answer. This is hard, I know.
How do you learn to accept and let go when you feel abandoned by someone you care about, someone you felt you had a deep bond with? How do you experience this so it doesn’t feel so bad? Did you say or do something wrong or stupid? Probably not.
Never use up your energy trying to understand another person’s need to leave. Practice the art of letting go of things not meant for you. Instead of searching for someone else’s why, I encourage you to shift your view. After many tough endings and a lot of growth, I now understand that many, if not most, relationships end or change dramatically.
The truth is, some relationships run their course. Perhaps they aren’t benefitting either party, or in some instances, you may have missed flags or signs all along. Does it really matter? The value of the bond is altered, and won’t be changed by overthinking or worrying about the reason.
We are all unique individuals. Some of us are in it for the long haul, and others prefer a more free spirited lifestyle. The hope is that people treat the beginning and end with grace and honor and accept the outcome.
Most of all, please don’t take other people’s behavior personally. It is rarely about you or me.