Thought Catalog

The 5 Best Dildos

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Shutterstock
Shutterstock

I love sex toys. Nothing like rushing home from class because you know you have a nice, vibrating dildo waiting for you in your dorm room! No matter how good he is in bed, sometimes nobody can get you off better than you can. You know the exact pressure points, the spots, angles and whatnot that get you to your final destination. And sometimes you can use a dildo while you’re having sex with him, which makes everything 10 times more awesome. Don’t be ashamed about using sex toys — even as I write this in the cafe on my campus I am getting death stares from old people haha. Whatever, they are just jealous because they are not having orgasms like I am!

Here’s a rundown of the 5 best sex toys I’ve used. What about you? Which ones work for you?

The Egg

50 Speed Wireless Remote Control MP3 Waterproof Egg Vibrating Massager
50 Speed Wireless Remote Control MP3 Waterproof Egg Vibrating Massager

You can put this all the way inside and leave it there. Talk about an Easter Egg hunt! But be careful with this guy, everyone. The egg sure seems like an innocent little thing because it’s in that Jesus-y pastel blue. Don’t be fooled, though. The real fun happens when you wear this thing around town doing regular stuff. Give your boyfriend or partner the remote so they can buzz you at any time. I can think of no better way to spice up your day. One time I wore this puppy out to the library when my boyfriend and I were studying for a final and he would buzz me from across the table — so fun! Not so great on it’s own, but as a kinky novelty it’s priceless.

The Cone

The Cone Personal Massager
The Cone Personal Massager

THE CONE!!!!!! With a name like that it just sounds so diabolical, doesn’t it? This awkward looking conical device is by far the weirdest looking thing in my goodie drawer but I’m adventurous so whatever. When you first look at it you don’t really know what to do, and it is sort of impractical. Do you lay on it? Roll it around? Use it to stop traffic? A confusing user interface. Probably the best thing about this one is that it’s totally hands free and it has sixteen speeds, including one called “orgasm mode” which is funny because, I mean, aren’t they all orgasm mode? Not my favorite, but it’s worth a try. Downside: it takes C batteries.

OhMiBod

The Cone - Cone Sex Toy Massager - Cone Vibrator Sex Toy Cone
The Cone – Cone Sex Toy Massager – Cone Vibrator Sex Toy Cone

Nowadays there’s an app for everything and it was only a matter of time before there was an app out there for your orgasms, too. This vibrating tampon does exactly what you think it does: you plug it into your iPod, put your headphones on and it vibrates to the beat of your music. Now you can get off to the sounds of Skrillex or, say, Justin Bieber! Mine only lasted a few uses. It’s a good idea in principle but it’s really more of a novelty.

Liberté G Spot Vibrator By Natural Contours

Natural Contours Liberte G spot Massager with 4 Functions
Natural Contours Liberte G spot Massager with 4 Functions

No it is not a telephone. This was my first sex toy and it’s near and dear to me. Let me tell you: this puppy is awesome! It’s really easy to use and it doesn’t look like a sex toy. Okay maybe it does a little. But anyway, it’s smooth so it feels good against your skin and you can use it to massage any area you want — nipples, belly, etc. Plus you can change the speeds easily. It’s also great to use with your boyfriend/sex partner. I bought this at the sex shop in my college town, on the recommendation of the full-chested black chick with piercings and tattoos who highly recommended it and I listened to her because it looked like she’s had some amazing orgasms in the past.

The Jack Rabbit

California Exotics Waterproof Jack Rabbit with Floating Beads, Purple
California Exotics Waterproof Jack Rabbit with Floating Beads, Purple

Yes, it’s ridiculous. My gay friend got me this one for my birthday one year. He thought it would be funny and told me that I complained about being single all the time so he didn’t want me to be lonely anymore. Awww. Him buying me this thing is probably the closest he’s ever gotten to a vagina, bless his soul, and I’m pretty sure he heard about it on Sex and the City. I know this little thing is as cliché as drinking a cosmopolitain in Manhattan with three of your best girlfriends, but I have to say that it is kind of amazing…if you can figure it out.

First of all, it’s ENORMOUS and slightly ridiculous looking. The penis rotates which is kind of strange because, I mean, dicks do not rotate. Plus there are like beads or something in there so with the rotating dick and the spinning beads there is just a whole lot going on. What’s cool, though, is that you can insert it like a regular dildo but then there are those funny bunny “ears” that stimulate the clit at the same time. A word to the wise: this thing is LOUD so it’s hard to have a little secret fun time without letting everyone know what you’re up to. TC mark

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