1. Accidental likes
Instagram is pretty bad for this, I think. If my phone freezes I have a tendency to vigorously tap the screen (that ought to fix the problem, no?) and then accidentally like pictures. This leads me to scroll down asking myself how to know what I have liked, often liking and unliking things 100 times in a row. That’s not weird. Play it cool, play it cool…
2. Lack of invisibility
Between your 17 online personalities, avoidance is pretty difficult. I remember being a frustrated teen with a 12-pound Nokia (non-flip) phone with shoddy reception. I could simply lie about a text and be on with my life. How do you lie about your pins, Instagram pictures, facebook posts/likes, blog posts, tweets and snapchats? Oh..my phone, when I turn it on..it…goes on my social media for me…er..it’s the new Siri…I. uhh, I…. Re: I am avoiding you. Why has social convention dictated that as rude? It’s not rude. Right?
Usually this is caused by a love interest or *potential* love interest and your new texting patterns. The moment when your phone goes off and you clamour to swipe the text open only to realize the words you were waiting for were ‘LEFT FOOD IN FRIDGE. NEW PHONE. CAN’T TURN OFF CAPITALS. LOVE YOUR MOTHER. Also important news, just not whom you expected to hear from. It’s a bummer. Every time. Still love you, mom!
4. Knowing everything about someone you just met without being able to outright say it
This happens to me a lot, too. Someone reveals some exciting detail about their life that I should totally pretend to be excited for except I creeped them so hard I know all about it already? That’s the worst. You just have to sit there and act interested for the next 45 seconds which always seems shady. DO THEY KNOW I AM LYING OH GOD THEY DO! I REEK OF THE CREEP!
5. No such thing as ‘I wonder’
Every person you ever came into contact with probably exists on the internet in some form, the exception being those few lucky souls who found a commune off the grid somewhere to sell their hemp ponchos and live forever in free-range peace. ‘I wonder what happened to…’ is usually proceeded by 3 hours of cyber-stalking and finally ended by you binge-eating sweets and crisps wondering what’s become of your life plans and career prospects. It’s ok, his kids aren’t even that cute. Only they are. Especially in comparison to your babies…which don’t exist.
People you have on social media that you don’t know. Some of these people are sweet and you build relationships and life is all precious and hugs and crap. But I’m almost certain a small portion of these people are insane serial killers. They also tend to comment in sentence fragments resembling primitive English or all-caps. Easy, Kanye.
7. Jerk Facebook
I swear Facebook is a jerk. Sometimes I think of something or someone and then there are 15 posts tailor-suited to poking the proverbial bear until that bear cries so hard she wakes up on the floor surrounded by cake crumbs and whisky bottles looking up into the heavens screaming “WHY NOT ME, GOD? WHY NOT ME?” These posts range from the babies you thought you’d have by now, the wedding you thought you’d have by now or the PhD you totally could have went for but didn’t because you have no ambition in life and will continue to get questionable looks from family members relating back to—‘What is your degree in, anyway?’
Being of *ahem* a certain ethnicity it can be a difficult balance of who to have on Facebook. Family is probably at the top of my pyramid of things I love and hold dear—but sometimes the language barrier and difference of values plays itself out in a display of awkward comments in broken English on my Facebook/social media posts. I cannot handle any more ‘wow so nice’ or ‘who one is this’ or ‘lovely so wow’ on pictures. Especially when those comments are followed by several phone calls about my outfit choices and eyebrow grooming skills (or lack thereof).