This Is What Happens When Depression Wins

Each night,
I take my medicine hoping that
I’ll fall asleep
But just as I’m about to
Insomnia sweeps me off my feet and says,
“Not tonight, love.”
I stay up night after night,
Feeling as if I’m heavily sedated
But not sedated enough to sleep
And every night I wonder, why?
And my dear friend depression breathes on the back of my neck
Whispers seductively into my ear,
“Because you’re not worth it,
You’re not worth a single breath that you take
Or a single second of comfort
Or sleep.”
That’s when the tears start sliding down my face
Like a never ending avalanche.
And that’s when I start to get tired
But then again,
Not tired enough to be able to sleep.
And that’s when the lover shows up,
Running his tongue across my wrists,
And kissing my skin
Leaving a cold sensation
But this lover has a dark side.
During the day he helps me open boxes and cut paper
And at night, I become the box he opens and the paper that he cuts
And I become a bloody sight.

Some days
When I open my eyes,
The day seems just as dark as the previous night
And I sleepwalk my way through the day.
The only sleep I ever get is when I’m sleepwalking.
I feel obligated to be happy
But these obligations drag me down and bury me inside the ground
And I choke and struggle to breathe but the forced happiness suffocates me
Until the last breath leaves my body
Until the light leaves my eyes
Until the warmth leaves my soul
And that’s when my sleep breaks
I wake up in my worst nightmare;
The reality.
The reality of being worthless and not good enough
The reality that makes me want to go back to sleep and never wake up
And sometimes I try,
With my lover and my friends by my side,
Shifting shapes and telling me what I need to hear,
Giving me the courage to go to sleep
Whispering in my ear,
And putting me to bed
And trying to make sure that I succeed,
For in my victory is theirs,
And my sleep is theirs.
I close my eyes and I think to myself,
“Tonight is the night.”

But just when I think that I’m finally going to sleep,
Reality knocks at my door and tells me that I’m selfish for wanting to put my family through this.
It forces me to wake up
It digs its nails into my eyes till they open
Shakes me until I scream
And leaves when I’m finally awake
Running off,
Laughing a sinister laugh
Rejoicing,
“I killed her dream.
I killed her dream.”
Alas, it wasn’t my dream she killed,
It was my last ray of hope.