Even after coming to know everything about you, and how much of a disgrace you were to our friendship, a significantly large part of me still wishes that you would come back. Why? Let me tell you.
When you create a realistic picture of a lovable human being in front of someone who finds it impossible to trust anyone – they believe it. Even in a desert, a camel rider starts to believe that there really is an oasis of water a few meters ahead when it’s just a mirage. Why? The reason to both is that deprivation which makes people believe in things that are too good to be true.
I was so deprived of trust that I let our so called friendship blind my way into trusting you.
Regardless of that constant suspicion – which I pushed back into the darkness of my mind – I still trusted. Now that same darkness is coming back to haunt me, swallowing my mind and my heart day by day. They say that when people leave your life, it hurts. I only got to experience that recently with you. I never had to do this with anyone else before. Do you know why? Because I hardly let people in. And the ones who I do, I have come to trust them. I still contemplate how on earth I did not catch any of the lies that were being told to my face. How on earth did I not even once question anything.
I guess that shows you the amount of trust I put into you. I trusted you so, so much, but when you left my life, I was left behind broken into a million pieces. I put all my eggs in one basket. I attached so much of my happiness to you. You made me feel like I was capable of being loved. But later made me realize how vulnerable I am to being used, and lied to.
The saddest thing about all this isn’t that you and I never became us. It’s the fact that I was lied to. If you had told me the type of person you really were from the start, I would have forgiven you for every other mistake that you would have committed. But how can I forgive someone for lying about their being in general? How can my soul forgive someone who I thought I knew seconds ago only to find out that they were never really there. There was just a veil that covered the real you. The liar.
I know now that when someone keeps getting hurt, they should fix the cause, not treat the wound every time. Because treating the wound will not ensure that they do not get hurt again.
So I fixed it. I got the cause out of my life. I cut you out of my life. I knew it was wrong for way too long to keep you there, lingering, making me want to go back. I have told myself that I will not live my life in contemplation or regret of anything that has happened. At the end of the day, I have to learn how to start a life without you, and how to move on one day at a time. What will be the hardest is getting over the fact that you said you would always be there, no matter what. But now you’re not. I have to learn to ignore every thing I see that reminds me of you. Everything that brings a smile to my face reminding me of you needs to stop impacting me.
I am going to move on, and I am going to become what I once was before you came. For a while you will be my most recent search on Instagram, or Facebook. I will want to know who you’re talking to, and who’s your next girl. I’ll still think about you first thing when I open my eyes in the mornings, and the seconds before I finally close my eyes to sleep. I will hope multiple times a day for a phone call or text from you. I want be to chased just like your ex because it will show me how much I meant to you. But reality is this: if you came back to me and were completely changed into the person that you said you were earlier – and somehow managed to convince me that it was really the truth– I would run back to you without thinking. But that would just be for now, and that would be wrong.
I will keep reminding myself that you made a strong woman doubt who she was, and reevaluate her worth. A new fear was now instilled into her: what if she were to be deceived again? Now she will think many, many more times before letting anyone else into her life. That is the lesson she tells herself that she has learned. One day I will eventually go back to being who I was without you, but more cautiously. Eventually there will a day in my life where I no longer think of you, or who you really ever were. It will be a long journey. Maybe one day in a couple years our paths will cross again, but I will be able to look right through you, and not get any goosebumps when I hear your name, or your voice.
I will keep telling myself that this was a learning process. Yet I will sometimes curse myself as to why it happened at all. But the day I am able to see this as an experience rather than something that shattered my world or ate my soul, I will know that I have truly become who I once was. Strong, confident, and unbreakable.