The Office-Wide Email You Want to Send After a Three-Month Unpaid Internship

Dear Staff,

As you may have heard, today is my last day as an intern here at [name redacted]. Consider this my sign-off as your indentured servant.

For those who just became aware of my existence last week, I’d like to point out that I’m not a member of the custodial staff. Get your own damn half and half. While I’m aware that the world we work in is incestuous, unlike the sycophantic 20-somethings that usually fill my position, I really don’t care.

At today’s end, I will walk through the revolving door for the last time. And chances are, before I hit “send” on this email, I’ll already be forgotten.

So, uh, fyi.

Looping in the interns to a chain of several unnecessary emails doesn’t mean we understand a word of the 17 plus exchanges of masturbatory gibberish and failed attempts at wit. This isn’t Facebook. Use some restraint.

If I want to click “reply all” to an email with an innocuous joke, I should be able to do so without getting blacklisted by the entire office. I get it. I’m nobody. You, with the salary and inflated ego, are somebody.

No one knew my name. Yet, hot intern [name redacted]—she with the low cut shirts and giggles—is well known. On many occasions, men in the office entertained her with idle chit chat and a smidgen of abuse of power.

Every time I said “sure” to do an eight-hour transcription, I sold my soul on eBay.

Just because your emails open with “hey interns!” does not free your request from being an enormous waste of time. I am not five years old.

Interns eat. If you invited us to lunch, you’d understand this.

To the men ascending father time’s ladder faster than their career’s, yes your attractive co-worker, who you’ve been “workin’ on” for 13 months, did linger for just a second too long.

I’m pretty sure vague statements like, “Remember, we may be hiring,” qualify as blackmail.

It really has been a blast working FOR all of you for the last three months. The sheer ineptitude at nearly every level of management here has both been a source of incredible annoyance and inspiration. If this is telling of the real world, then oh, the places this little intern may go!

I sincerely hope we cross paths in the future. At this meeting, I will swallow my pride and wave. You, employed and sophisticated, fighter for the weekend, owner of hundreds of unused business cards, the universe in your palm, hollow eyes glued to a four-inch screen, will snub me. And I’ll yell something like, “Is not an intern a human being?”

No one will listen.

Thanks,
Intern
TC mark

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  • Intern Survivor

    If only things like this could be said and you wouldn't lose the reference.

  • fuh real

    Dear Unpaid Intern,
    An intern is not a human being until it can think for itself.
    You claim to have just spent three months with us performing some sort of “value added” duties. We don't believe you. Unpaid internships are illegal as per federal code and surely our HR department would not stray from these strict guidelines: http://wdr.doleta.gov/directiv
    Do your homework or learn to enjoy dictation. See you next summer, sucker.

    • deedubbayew

      Actually, unpaid internships are not illegal. Internships can also be for credit, in which case the intern actually pays to work for people who don't acknowledge their existence.

      • office2cents

        Think that's what original commenter meant by “unpaid”. Credit is considered a form of “payment,” so HR is still right. I mean, generally its kinda wrong, but still technically right.

  • Erin

    This is so cute. Loved it. How many more years will I continue to do unpaid internships after university? Intern4Life.

    toorudemag.blogspot.com

  • ha

    “Consider this my sign-off as your indentured servant.” Haha. I died.

  • http://twitter.com/jonathancrowl Jonathan Crowl

    Funny stuff for anyone who's gone through that kind of work. I wrote a related response with a little less humor and a little more advice: http://bit.ly/hrHOer

  • Caitlin Kelly

    Like it will be so much better after you're hired and paid?

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