You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few of them jealous.
Crafting the perfect Facebook status update this New Year’s can make you the person everyone wants to be. Fail and you’re the quintessential douchebag. You know, that guy who’s both the bane of your virtual existence and the only reason you subscribe to Mark Zuckerberg’s fantasy world.
You don’t want to make others jealous of your New Year’s Eve plans? Come on, you didn’t change your profile picture 27 times in the last year solely for your bffs. The following statuses are pooled from an extensive study of mini-feeds and profiles randomly stumbled/stalked upon. It’s your time to give the gift of envy:
“LETS GET DRRRRUNK”
The emphasis is on the act of imbibing that is to happen. Kanye-caps are effective here, because, really, Kanye-caps are AMAZING ALL THE TIME. Forget apostrophes and screw spelling. This is urgent. Your flippant attitude imbues others with the free spirit of photos tagged of yore.
A lack of punctuation and capitalization on this BlackBerry-esque update shows that to you, this is “no biggie.” The subtle use of a single period after both the cause and the reaction, however, lets others know that something huge is indeed brewing. Look to further enhance the message by adding the ? emoticon. While it’s tempting to use :o, this is a common mistake. An emoticon should always compliment, but never overshadow your message.
“Ringin’ in 2011 with [insert celebrity name]!”
5, 4, 3…celebrity! You live to jazz up everyone’s comparatively lame life night with a constant stream of photos and updates. It’s like everyone’s actually there! Being within 50 feet of a hip young star like James Franco or Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a responsibility you don’t shirk.
“$99 for all you can drink and bottle service? Why, I don’t mind if I do have the time of my life.”
You’re willing to shell out a hefty sum for a night of memories and good booze. This is top ten all-time moment material. Dropping that it’s going to be the time of your life earns respect from others because no one’s tossed that phrase around since Green Day in 1997. Like you, they didn’t eff around.
“2011 already? really not feelin it yet guys…”
Strike preemptively. Use an ellipse to kick start your plans. The comments that ensue will surely get you an invitation to the coolest party ever with that girl (who you kind of sort of chat with occasionally and is really popular but secretly hates it inside). Or you’ll get a cool people pity party. In any case, while doing cool things, you’ll be in the know of the lameness that’s abounding elsewhere.
“Sunny and 95 in Cozumel! Brrrr, I miss NYC and the ball”
Enjoying warm weather may enrage those in tundra-like conditions, so this is risky. It’s the classic East Coast West Coast battle. While you are a world traveler on the cruise of a lifetime, you make it seem as though you’d rather be where everyone else is. You’re jealous—of them.
“What’s everyone doin’ tonight?”
A classic rabble rouser, you started the fire by engaging others in a discussion on where the night will go (no one knows!…well, aside from you, because you have plans). Others will wonder and comment, “dude, what do you have going on?” Don’t be shy, tell them. They are asking.
“New years. Blah”.
You’re so “real” and “down to earth” that you know this night never lives up to the hype. A fan of air quotes, you’ve been hurt enough times to know that midnight inevitably comes…and nothing happens. Not satisfied with your life’s progression in the last year and feeling held down by the man, you’ll nostalgically remember the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshmallow, Lilypad, and the gang celebrate while in a limo stuck in traffic. Sigh.
Choose a status wisely. But don’t fret, it’s not like it’s the end of the world. 2011 will come and there will always be this guy:
“WHAT I’M DOING IS BETTER THAN WHAT YOU’RE DOING.”
He blatantly misuses Kanye-caps. He kicks a joyous moment, a moment when everyone in the world thinks about blowing a kazoo for at least a millisecond, in the mouth. Happy New Year, douchebag.