Heartache is a necessary part of life. Growth blooms between the cracks of your heart. The tendrils of hope, of change, and of a better tomorrow piece your heart back together. Yet, we fail to see that healing comes from within ourselves, not from someone else.
When someone has wronged you, when they have squeezed your heart in the palm of their hand, you believe you need an apology from them to move on. You believe that granting them forgiveness for wounding you will ease your pain in the healing process. You believe that for every “I’m sorry” you hear, eventually you’re supposed to say “I forgive you”. You believe that you must forgive them, that it’s something to check off during your journey to heal, but it’s not.
I had to read the words twice when they came from someone whose number I had deleted two years ago. “Will you forgive me if I have hurt you in any way?” it read. I laughed. I actually laughed. The clouds did not part, the sun did not shine down on me, and the birds did not start singing. I didn’t suddenly feel like this weight had been lifted off of me, because there was no weight in the first place. I didn’t suddenly believe that I could now move on with my life because of this half-assed apology because I had already moved on long ago.
That is the key. I had already moved on long ago. I had already healed. It happened slowly, it happened loudly at times and quietly at others, it probably happened a bit messily, but it happened. It happened while I slept and I no longer had dreams of mistakes past. It happened while I worked, and my mind stayed focused on my job and the tasks at hand, not on a problem that was not worth fixing.
It happened while I laughed with my friends, while I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my skin, while I had my first ice cream cone of the summer. It happened when I allowed myself to open up to the potential of something new. It happened when I allowed my heart to feel butterflies again. It happened when I only looked forward and I no longer allowed myself to live in the past. It happened when I did not care anymore.
Peace does not come when someone has texted you a paragraph asking for forgiveness. Peace does not come when they sob to you about how sorry they are for their actions and for ultimately hurting you. Your peace does not come from someone else’s “I’m sorry.”
Peace comes when you know you are in control of your healing. Peace comes when you know that your heart continues to beat because of you. Peace comes when you are full of love for yourself. Peace comes when you do not dwell on what has passed you and instead you feel hope for what is coming.
Peace comes when you no longer care about that which hurt you because you are too busy caring about the positive things in your life that truly deserve your attention.