Gather ‘round, gentlemen. Allow me to raise a scotch (single malt, please) to you. It’s 2015 and somehow we’re all wading through this Tinder-ized dating landscape with relative success. We have adeptly adjusted our footwork to dodge the Feminist landmines which litter the tall-grass between us and, you know, romantic normalcy.
We’ve done an OK job of learning how to be respectful (and generally non-repulsive) to the fairer sex. There are caveats, though, and of these we must be wary. Shifting gender roles in America have kept us on our toes. If you were raised “traditionally” as I was, it leaves you at a cross-road when it comes to decorum. To examine gender roles is to examine our interactions with one another.
With this in mind, it’s important to remember that there are standards you should still adhere to. Have some respect for yourself and heed this sage advice, lest ye will be walked upon in her Louboutins.
1. Let her guilt you into anything.
Bear with me, I know this is easier said than done. She put that puppy dog face on, or worse, was flat-out adamant about your Friday evening itinerary which did not include her. A relationship isn’t about spending time with each other for the sake of doing it. If she’s baselessly leveraging you into shit, you need to check yourself (because you have wrecked yourself, dude).
2. Adjust to the whims of her parents.
Listen, her dad’s going to hate you whether you’re wearing a sweater vest, suit, poncho, or if you show up buck naked with a handle of tequila. You need to manage her expectations in this regard — she fell in love with you and that’s who should be presented when you meet her parents. No self-respecting man puts on a show for anyone.
3. Carry her purse while you’re shopping with her.
I know you paid for that Chanel bag. This fact doesn’t make you look any less pathetic toting it while she peruses for more needlessly expensive wares for you to buy for her. Oh, on that note…
4. Don’t try to buy your way into her pants.
You jackass. You’re buying stuff for her? Treat your lady well — I’m all for it. However, going H.A.M. outfitting this girl in couture is troublesome. You’re no one’s ATM and this is 2015 — girl wants a new pair of shoes, she should be able to afford it.
5. Be intimidated by feminists.
Feminism really is the “F” word to some of you. Feminism is a movement for the empowerment of women. You should love that. Why? Because it means if or when you find a wife, she’s going to complete you emotionally. It’s a movement that is great for women and men; it’s not an army of angry lesbians looking to castrate and maim you.
6. Start fights in public.
Shouts to all my brothers out there that have been in the dreaded, but necessary, Dysfunctional Relationship. I capitalize that because a DR is an event of such magnitude that it constitutes being a proper noun. Here’s the thing with these: They should happen once or twice in college — and then never again. If by day, you’re a well-adjusted (and gainfully employed) agreeable human being, and by night you’re playing verbal abuse ping-ping with your girl … you’re getting it wrong. Don’t be dragged to that level. However, if this dysfunction is your fault, you deserve it.
7. Financially ruin yourself for show.
This is different than spoiling her needlessly. If you can’t afford to date … you can’t afford to date. Be single, eat ramen, and spend what little you have on the gym.
8. Forget who’s important.
Chasing a new girl? Long term relationship? Cool. Don’t forget who fed you while you were in diapers, though. Don’t forget who lent you money when you were broke. Don’t forget who helped you move into your new apartment. If I were a betting man, I’d bet that all of those people aren’t the girl you’re currently in a relationship with.
We have a habit of imagining people to be more important than they really are because of how they make us feel. Think about how much time people spend showing how important they are to one another … flowers, cards, dinners, clothes, spending time together. You don’t have to try that hard with your buddy who helped you in a pinch. The people who are effortlessly close to you are more important than the dime at the end of the bar. Choose wisely.
9. Forget that this is all supposed to be fun.
Women are awesome, why are you stressing?