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An Imagined Girls Night With Katniss Everdeen, Hermione Granger, Bella Swan And Buffy Summers

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In celebration of the release of The Hunger Games in theaters, I figured there was no better way to welcome Katniss Everdeen to the pantheon of pop culture heroines, than by imagining what it would be like to be a fly on the wall during Girls Night. Clearly, Carrie Bradshaw was not invited.

Buffy: Hi girls! Thanks for joining me for this Heroines of Pop Culture ladies night. Sookie called to say she’s sad she couldn’t make it. But no worries! I brought the zinfandel.

Bella: I only drink red.

Hermione: I’ll have some! I’m really excited about this ladies night. I only hang with boys.

Katniss: You’re willing to feed me something?!?!? I’ll eat whatever you are willing to give me. I’m even cool with mouse entrails.

Buffy: Well, we’re fresh out of those…

Bella: Got any blood?

Buffy: You know who you’re asking, right?

Katniss: Moving on… So, how was everyone’s week?

Hermione: Oh, same old. Quidditch match, Ron being a whiny, emotional middle-child, a few random assassination attempts by the Dark Lord, saving Potter from certain doom. Y’know, the usual stuff.

Buffy: I was saving the world.

Katniss: I was also saving the world!

Bella: I jumped off a cliff to get the attention of my ex-boyfriend.

Buffy: I’m sorry, what?

Bella: Well, he broke up with me, and I became all sad and stuff and it was the worst. I cried a lot and ate an entire jar of hummus.

Katniss: And then you decided to kill yourself?

Bella: Well, kind of. Mostly just to get his attention. I knew that either him or werewolf guy would save me.

Buffy: I still don’t get why you’re into that werewolf. Werewolves should totally have chest hair. Why doesn’t Jacob have chest hair?

Hermione: I have a spell for that.

Katniss: But also, werewolves. Gross. If you date him, Rick Santorum is totally going to be all over that and call it “interspecies dating.”

Hermione: Werewolves can totally date humans, even marry them! Or well… shapeshifter… human… types.

Bella: You guys! It’s not like that!! Plus, he’s totally convenient to have around when I need some attention and I’m not getting it from vampire man.

Katniss: What’s the deal with you people and dating vampires? You guys should try humans sometime.

Hermione: Preach.

Buffy: There’s nothing wrong with vampires. Minus their emotional unavailability, lack of reflection, and penchant for really rough sex.

Bella: The rough sex is great, although it’s super awkward that we have to keep buying new pillows every time.

Katniss: This conversation is getting weird. Can I have some of those Doritos?

Bella: So Katniss, who are you going to choose between Peeta and Gale?

Katniss: Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. Leading that whole revolution thing has left me super busy and all.

Bella: But who will it be!! Which one makes you feel complete inside?

Katniss: Um, neither? It’s mostly just trying to decide whether I want to have a good hunting partner or a boyfriend who knows how to work the bread machine.

Bella: OMG I have no idea what I would do in your situation. What about you, Buffy. Angel or Spike?

Buffy: Dating a vampire is totally crazy. They either lose their soul and try to murder everyone in your life, or they just want to use you as a sex object for their own confused, sadomasochistic love fantasies. Plus, I’m totally over guys who are trying to look like Billy Idol. I’m taking time to focus on myself.

Bella: Interesting. I disagree with you because I think vampires are soooo dreamy, but whatevs. What about you, Hermione: Harry or Ron?

Hermione: Um, Harry has always only been my friend. It’s always been Ron for me. But I thought tonight wasn’t talking about boys, and that’s all you seem to want to do! I came here for a girls night, not a “bitching about boys” night!

Katniss: I only care about guys when it comes to how they can help me save the world.

Buffy: Absolutely. We have far more exciting things to talk about. Like weapons.

Bella: But boys are obviously the emotional crux of our lives! Edward practically looks at me the wrong way and I go into a helpless, emotional coma for eight days! He is my absolute everything and I can’t be a functional human being without his existence! What else could be more important in your lives than your man?!?!? What the hell else could ever be harder in your lives?!?

Katniss: I’ve been kind of tied up dealing with this whole reality TV death match I’ve been forced into, that’s also turned into a full-scale rebellion against the leader of my dystopian, totalitarian society, all the while trying not to starve to death and provide for my family.

Hermione: I just had to wipe myself from the memories of my parents, as I set out on a road trip where my two best friends and I are being hunted by a band of insane fascists, working under the instructions of the wizarding equivalent of Hitler. One of them tortured me, and there is a constant fear of being hunted down and assassinated.

Buffy: I spend every single day of my life battling evil vampires, and am constantly saving the world from demons, angry Gods, and the Root of All Evil itself. My mother is dead and my sister isn’t technically a real person. I have technically died twice. You and your man troubles take the entire women’s movement back decades.

Bella: Hmmm, I think I’m going to take this moment to go to the washroom.

Katniss: Can we not invite her next time?

Hermione: Absolutely.

Buffy: Sorry you guys. I knew we should have called Ripley instead. Aliens are way more exciting. Next time we’ll do something cooler, like hunting down her entire vampire family.

Hermione: Or studying!

Katniss: I love hunting!!

Buffy: For the win! I love girls night. TC mark

image – je-hansen

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    • Anonymous

      oh dear lord that was amazing. Hermione & Katniss would totally be friends. Probably. 

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      this. was. AWESOME.

    • Brenna_haddan

      That is exactly what I was expecting it. If it had a little more subtlety, maybe I would’ve liked it?

    • Guest

      I threw up in my mouth a little. Not at your writing, but just the idea of it. *shudder*

      • Jq Laurent

         I threw up at the writing.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh Bella. I always want to smash her face in. So this piece is a job well done :D

    • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

      “I only care about guys when it comes to how they can help me save the world.”
      Brilliant.

    • PB

      So. Awesome. And the brief True Blood reference? Brilliant.

    • Sam

      This had a chance of being insightful and funny. But it was just, obvious. And dull.

    • Anonymous

      Hahah. When I read the title I thought “how can she equate Bella to these other amazing heroines??” Now I know. Well done. Buffy and Katniss would kick such hardcore ass. I like to think Hermione and Willow would hook up. 

      In case anyone hasn’t seen it, youtube Buffy vs. Edward

      • http://www.facebook.com/markku.uttula Markku Uttula

        Hermione & Willow… well there’s food for a thought :)

      • Lovi_lakita

        Well, I could definitely see Hermione and Willow being good friends and enjoying magic practice together, but Hermione and Ron have kids. I can’t see her leaving her family for Willow. Still Willow can do so much better than Kennedy. *shudders*

    • sofia

      Excited by the title, bored and annoyed by the content. Too forced.

    • As

      This is stupid. Bella is not a heroine. Let’s put oranges and apples together and make fun of the orange for not being red. Fun… not.

    • http://www.lovelysim.com/ L-Diggitty

      This was hilarious! I wish Stephenie Meyer would read it and understand how she’s done a disservice to her fellow females!

    • http://twitter.com/kathurrrzey Kathy U.

      next time, invite the Charmed Ones. 

      • Katie

        I thought the same thing.  The final Charmed ones, not with Prue.
        I thought it was hilarious. 

      • beatrice

        OH MY GOSH, you just reignited memories from my childhood

    • Killyouself

      yawn… who wrote this? a highschooler?  a wannabe feminist?  pathetic drivel

    • entropy

      Billy Idol got his look from Spike.

    • realBuffyfan

      I couldn’t finish this… My biggest issue with it is where this version of “Buffy” says she’s over guys who want to look like Billy Idol. If you know anything about Buffy you know that Billy Idol stole his look from Spike.

    • Dian Cecht

      This is hillarious! I love how the Twilight-kids get all worked up and angry :P Go Buffy! Vampires are stupid, throw rocks at them!

    • Adriana

      ugh people need to get over themseleves because Bella isn’t anywhere near that weak, whiny, cry baby crap. I would have liked it otherwise…

      • pocket

        …did you read the book? 

        • nena

          …..everyone has a past. 

      • Kris

        Do you not remember the part of the book where you just flip through pages with only the name of the month on them because Bella is so distraught and her life is so empty without her vampire boyfriend that the book isn’t worth writing because she’s such an emotional cripple?

        She’s the lamest female character to ever grace fiction.

      • Lightning Dash

        Agreed, sister! *brohoof* Bella isn’t really a whiny crybaby, but she IS somewhat weak. And even though I dislike her for being a wimpy person (Twilight = Diary of a Really Wimpy Kid), I have to admire her for being able to care for her mom in her pre-teen years (I guess) and caring for her dad.
        But then silly little sparkle-butt Cullen comes in to ruin Bella’s life. And Bella becomes Isabella Marie Swan (Pinkamena Diane Pie, Bella version) FOREVER.

    • Aeryn_4u

      AWESOME!!

    • Ladydmakeup

      Brilliant!!

    • http://twitter.com/elizabethbarone Liz

      So, we’ve got the whiners saying Bella is too wimpy, the whiners saying it was too “obvious” to make Bella wimpy, and the whiners saying the writer messed up Joss Whedon’s canonical interpretation of Billy Idol. Lighten up, people.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mark.matson6 Mark Matson

      Ironically, Bella is the most powerful of the four — assuming her immunity works against Hermione’s magic, at least.

      • Dudeamis

        so ignorant, Buffy kills Bella’s kind on a nightly basis. 

        • Eva

           Sorry but the Twilight vampires are much tougher then the kind Buffy kills. Forget about sunshine, wooden sticks, crosses and garlic. The only thing that can kill a Twilight vampire is another vampire or a werewolf. 

        • Rose

          Actually, a Twilight vampire can be killed by decapitation and/or complete dismemberment and then a burning of the remains. I’m more than positive Buffy has enough strength, since a slayer is part demon, to easily kill the entire Cullen clan.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eva-Lindecrantz/100000537518435 Eva Lindecrantz

           As I sometimes have seen Buffy been tossed around by regular vampyres until she finaly stakes them I realy dont think she´s got a chance. The stake will surely not work. And the sunshine is no good either. You might mock the fact that the twilight vampires sparkle in the sun  but they dont go poof and turn to ashes, they keep fighting. So my money is on the twilight vampires.

        • toribel

          I’m pretty sure anyone with the capacity to rip someone apart could kill a twilight vampire since that’s all it entails, it’s just that in the series the only things that have that capacity are vampires and werewolves. Buffy could definitely take them, she’d just have to use a different fighting style.

        • http://twitter.com/tangledhearts Callie

          Yes they are ever so t o u g h when they fucking sparkle. LOL.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Pringley001 Andrew James Pring

        Ironically, Hermione and Buffy could kill Bella without even breaking a sweat……

      • Lightning Dash

        Uh, Buffy the VAMPIRE Slayer?

    • Not a jerk who lives to bash

      Wow.  If only this were in any way funny, clever, entertaining, thought-provoking, or even if it wasn’t just an excuse to bash Twilight, it might’ve actually been worth reading.

      • Lightning Dash

        Yes, yes it would.

    • Jq Laurent

      This is completely offensive. The idea that Hermione, Buffy and Katniss would even participate in a conversation started by Bella about boys is ridiculous. At the first mention of boys they would have changed the subject to something more important or would have avoided her altogether. I can’t believe they would humor her for a second, even if their ultimate decision is that they don’t like her.

    • Bigcatangel

      Some people need to look up the word “satire”. Also, Bella the most powerful? May I introduce you to Buffy the Vampire Slayer? She defeated a lot bigger badder ass than Bella could ever Ever hope to become.

      • Eva

         I would like to see Buffy trying to kill Bella with a wooden stick.

      • http://twitter.com/Ivana2804 Ivana Cvetanovic

         Or maybe some people know what satire is, but they also know what good satire is, and this isn’t it. You need at least to keep your characters IC and make it sound like it really could be them talking; this is oversimplifying Buffy’s character supposedly in order to show how weak and anti-feminist Bella is (DUH – like you really need that), and it’s doing that by…. what, making Buffy talk about herself as a complete victim in her relationships? Make Buffy imply that she doesn’t like rough sex and she just had it because a guy liked it (which is blatantly untrue)? Because, what, good, strong women can’t possibly enjoy rough, SM sex? Wow, how feminist… not.

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