15 Things I Learned From Living 25 Years With Anxiety
woman sitting on wing chair
Dmitry Schemelev / Unsplash

It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

Happy is like sand, it falls apart the moment a wave hits. No matter how big or small that wave is, it’ll bring everything crumbling down. It’s sand slipping through your fingers- the more you try to hold onto it the more it slips away.

Happy is an illusion.

Happy is created by corporations and sales forces. It’s what you’re sold when you’re feeling the normal uncomfortable and conflicting emotions that are a part of your life.

Happy is the Matrix.

Happy is being Minnesota-nice; an open door with a smile, while they talk about you behind your back. Happy is McDonald’s, a quick high that leaves you feeling queasy at the end.

Happy isn’t real and I wish you no happiness.

I wish you pain so deep you have no choice but to grow through it, as it forces you to see yourself and the world in an entirely new way. I wish you the kind of pain that brings people together.

I wish you challenges so relentless and daunting, you’ll barely recognize who you’ve become once you make it out the other side. So seemingly insurmountable you’ll be left with nothing but awe and pride at the end.

I wish you joy so strong you feel your bones shattering under its weight; that the beauty in your cousin’s smile crushes your soul and for the spark you see in your people’s eyes to shed light in the darkest nooks of your soul.

I wish you love. Fuck, if I wish you love. The kind of love that, no matter how little or long it lasts, leaves you forever changed and altered. For your chemistry to have been permanently shifted by the collision with that person. I wish for your heart to break and leave bread crumbs in the hearts of others- your love now scattered through people and countries- encompassing the world.

And I wish you bravery and strength through it all, because boy do I know if you’re gonna need it. Because choosing to see happiness for what it is: a transient feeling at best, and a drug we stubbornly choose to keep seeking no matter the pain it causes us at worst, is hard. Fear will be with you every step of the way. Your brain will tell you the challenging emotions you feel are to be hushed. And you will need to stand tall and steadfast in the hurricane that are your feelings and thoughts.

So. Fuck happy. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

Choose real life instead. TC mark

About the author

I love craft beer, traveling is how I force myself to grow, I see the world and my life like a movie- characters and sequels.

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