I don’t know who coined the term “fuckboy,” but A) I salute you and B) I hope you’re okay with me using it endlessly in this piece. Fuckboys are everywhere. They make up a large percentage of the male species, specifically those that fall between the ages of 18 and 28. (But make no mistake, there are likely 50-year-old fuckmen out there.)
Sometimes fuckboys reveal their true colors early on. Maybe they’re wearing a popped collar. Maybe that popped collar is attached to a white Lacoste polo that he and every member of his all-male entourage just happen to wearing at the same time…along with the dark denim jeans that they also all happen to be wearing at the same time. But what if their appearance doesn’t immediately scream FUCKBOY? Luckil,y popped collars are not the only method of determining a fuckboy from a non-fuckboy. Here are some red flags to look for when texting someone that has a penis:
1. “Haha and then what?”
The classic. The absolute fucking classic. Usually accompanied by a wink, or sometimes even worse, a wink emoji. If there was a national anthem for fuckboys, it would begin with this phrase. If there was an oath you had to take before joining the not-so-elite class of fuckboys, you would raise your right hand, stick your left hand down your pants, and proceed with “And then what?” A fuckboy will use this phrase every chance that they get. It does not matter what you tell them you are doing—a fuckboy will create any opportunity to ask you this.
Fuckboy: “What are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m at my Grandma’s funeral :(“
Fuckboy: “What are you doing after ;)”
“What are you doing?” is a popular segue that fuckboys use to open the door to the infamous “haha and then what,” so ladies, do not fall into the trap of answering either question. It’s none of that fuckboy’s business anyway.
2. “Without me? Haha” OR “Need some company ;)?”
Yet another classic. Often accompanied by a wink or a “haha”—or if you’re really unlucky, both. A fuckboy will respond with one of these two phrases for a number of reasons, but the one text that guarantees this response is: “I’m going to shower.” Telling a fuckboy you are going to shower is like dropping a bomb. He sees this as the perfect opportunity to turn a normal conversation sexual, and he wastes no time in doing so. The response you get will be faster than lightning. He’s going to accept the invitation to shower with you. And with this you’re probably thinking, “But I never asked him to shower with me.” Simply put, it doesn’t matter. It’s like showing up to a birthday party or a wedding that you were never invited to. He’s like a wedding crasher, only he prefers to crash showers.
What the fuckboy clearly doesn’t realize is that the shower is all business for me. I likely have legs that have not been shaved in weeks, I definitely have a rat’s nest on top of my head that is in dire need of deep conditioning, and I obviously need to exfoliate with one of those body scrubs that rich pretty girls get paid to promote on Instagram (even though I’m pretty sure it’s just a package filled with a stranger’s coffee grounds). If this is not the case for you when you shower, I both despise you and salute you for having your shit together.
3. “Come over…”
Two simple, seemingly innocent words. And unlike the shower-crashing, this is an invitation from him. He’s asked you to come over…great! Not great. If you receive this text between the hours of 9pm and 6am, I’m sorry to break it to you, but he is likely a fuckboy. Fuckboys ask you to come over only after the sun has gone down. They wait patiently until the sky becomes as black as their soul, and then they hit you with the invite. You’re likely in bed when you get this text. And if you’re anything like me you’re probably braless and wearing underwear that could be mistaken for your grandma’s while you wait for the melatonin under your tongue to dissolve and whisk you into a 12-hour coma.
You can flat-out decline the invitation or tell him you’d rather hang out another time, but whatever you do: DO NOT be the girl that jumps out of bed, gets ready, and heads over to his house while in a melatonin-induced haze. He will think you are stoned, you will do something you regret, and your friends will forever remind you of the time you “took a sleeping pill and…” So, don’t. Don’t be that girl.
4. “…and watch Netflix with me.”
If at any point the new guy you’ve been talking to suggests you “come over” (see above) and watch “Netflix,” these are two fuckboy red flags. I love Netflix. Who doesn’t? I felt victimized when my ex finally realized I was still logging into his Netflix account and changed his password before I could even finish the first season of Gilmore Girls. Who wouldn’t? But trust me when I say that you need to put your love of Netflix aside. If you go to his place to watch Netflix, there is an 87% chance (Disclaimer: I made this up) that he exposes his dong at some point during the hangout. If you’re watching a movie, you can expect it to make an appearance after the first hour. If you’re watching a show, it will likely make an appearance after the second or third episode. So be on high alert at all times—like an Amber Alert, except the only thing missing is your self-respect when a wiener ends up in your mouth during an episode of Degrassi.
And that’s about all the wisdom I have, folks. I wish you all the best on your quest to find a “non-fuckboy” (do we just call them boys?). May the odds be ever in your favor.