Oh man, why is it so early? Better not look in the mirror. Yep that’s definitely a bad idea. It’s WAY too soon for that. Wait, what is that smell? (*looks down*) Wow, is that coming from my spin shoes? Must address this after class. (*creates new iPhone “note”*). Why is the woman next to me shouting at her friend? It’s 7 a.m. Why is she even making noise? Isn’t the first rule of spin class NO talking? Let’s kick her out. I guess class hasn’t officially begun. Damnit. Can we get this show on the road? Oh crap, there’s a sub today?! Alright, I’m leaving. No, NO. You’re already here. Stay put. This is only an hour of your life. Stop whining. (*takes a sip of black coffee*). Alright, which bike am I? Number 13? Shit I totally forget. Why is this old man looking at me funny? Nothing to see here mister. Except for the red lycra-blend pants I’m wearing. I know they’re not very flattering, but at least they’re clean! Okay, he’s still staring. Avert your eyes buddy. Oh, is this your bike? My mistake. I’m leaving, I’m sorry! Don’t make that face. It’s just a spin bike. Not your actual bike, gosh! I guess this means I’m bike 31? Oh no, is bike 31 under the speakers? Perfect. Jesus, this teacher looks like a giant douche bag. I can see his nipples through his frat boy cut off tee. That doesn’t even look comfortable. But maybe he’ll play some Rihanna? That’d be sweet. Why won’t my red knobby thingy loosen up? Class starts in like 60 seconds and I reeeeeeeeally don’t want to ask this teacher to help me adjust my bike. But really though, whhhhhy won’t this knob buuuuuuudge. Oh wait, there it goes. Thank GOD. Okay first song is… an Akon remix? Strike one, my douchey friend, strike ONE. But there’s still time to redeem yourself. What was that? I’m sorry, I could have sworn you just said, “Crank your resistance up THREE whole turns to the right.” I’m sorry but I am not doing that. I physically CANNOT. We’re not even warmed up yet. This is absurd. I’m just going to carrrrrrefully fake these numerous cranks you’re demanding. One, one and two thirds…“three.” There ya go. Happy now? No one saw me fake that right? Maybe old man on bike 13 with the staring problem did. Whatevs. I’m really glad that Akon song is over. Is this Destiny’s Child?! SAY MY NAME. Throwbaaaaaack. I approve. Are we climbing a hill now? Bring it on. Let’s climb five hills in a row. I don’t even care. This song is everything. Hold on, why are you yelling at us? Intervals? And tap backs? You know what? I’m not coordinated enough for this. I’m going to politely opt out of whatever it is this instructor is currently doing with his arms. Baby push-ups on the bike handles? This feels very silly. And now he’s asking us to rotate our inner thighs toward the floor while we tuck our cores and release our shoulders from our ears? You want me to do WHAT with my pelvic floor muscles? No thanks! I’ve stopped listening. I can’t hear anything over the bass pounding above my head. Alright, I’m already soaking with sweat. Are we there yet? Three more songs?! This guy has lost his mind. Clearly. If he starts playing a One Republic song while shouting new agey BS over the mic, I’m definitely calling it a day. He better not… omg RIHANNA! This. Song. This. Song. How did I ever question this man? I LOVE YOU AND YOUR MUSICAL TASTE. Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond. Endorphins. So. Many. Endorphins. Icouldspinforever. Should I quit my job? Spin full time? This feels right. All of this just feels… wait, is the song over? Shit. Wait, CLASS is over?! NOOOOO. I don’t want to go! We’re cooling down? I’m not leaving this bike. I refuse to leave! I love bikes and music and exercise and life! Am I safe to drive? I feel a little bit high right now. Deep breaths. Take some deep breaths. Oh thank God, we’re cooling down… to a Bonnie Raitt cover? Is this Adele? This song makes me feel emotionally unstable. Am I already sore? Wait, am I crying? I need to exit the building. I feel, I feel very vulnerable. Is the instructor leaving already?! Bye dude. I underestimated you. Wait, I wonder if he’ll burn me a copy of his playlist?! Oh look, there goes my pride! And that is my CUE.
image – Shutterstock