After years and YEARS of dominating the cherished American tradition that is the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Day Parade, the time has come for Charlie Brown & the Peanuts gang, Pikachu and loads of others “celebs” to step their big, bloated bodies down for a second so that some of the other well-deserving and overlooked candidates can have a chance to get in on all of the floa-tastic fun. Not to keep naming names but, Pillsbury Doughboy — you and I both know it’s about time you pulled your head out of the clouds (literally!) and allowed a few others some time in the spotlight. If it were up to me, I’d make a couple last minute tweaks to the T-Day morning float roster, adding in a few people/things I feel have rightfully earned a float of their own. (Sorry ahead of time if this messes with all of your painfully corny float-coordinated jokes Al Roker! Love you!)
1. My mom. Are you actually trying to tell me that BUZZ freaking LIGHTYEAR gets to parade himself around during the Macy’s Day festivities, but that my own MOTHER who has been slaving away in the kitchen for hours/days on end to prepare our Thanksgiving feast gets nothing but a kitchen full of dirty dishes to show for herself? Buzz, take a hike to infinity and beyond for an hour or four so my mom can get showered with some nation-wide “Oooooohs” and “Ahhhhhhs” for a few blocks. Seem fair?
2. Peanut butter. I have this low-budget treat to thank for keeping me alive during my college years…and during my post collegiate broke-ass years. PB, you’re calorically efficient, you taste great on almost every other snack I have readily available in the kitchen, and I praise the allergy gods every day for not making me allergically sensitive to you. Thanks for satiating me when nothing else seemed to do the trick. You’re about as flawless as foods come and for that, I hereby initiate you into the exclusive Thanksgiving Day float society. Welcome! And watch your back. Shrek looks extra hungry this morning.
3. The cast of Freaks and Geeks. These guys were never given the appreciation they deserved, UNTIL NOW. On this holiest of turkey-filled days, I’m attempting (on behalf of nerdy 7th graders turned grown ups everywhere, who adored this show during their formative years) to make up for all of those undoubtedly hilarious episodes we missed out on when the show’s life was so tragically cut short back in 2000. Apparently I’m still not over it! And since many of the show’s stars have gone on to establish incredibly successful careers for themselves, it will be that much sweeter to once again remind NBC execs that they, in the words of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, made a “Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” (That last little bit doesn’t apply, but I’m keeping it for dramatic effect).
4. Harry Styles. The last thing this beautiful boy wonder needs is a float/SHRINE on wheels that would absolutely feed his already quite sizable ego. But who wouldn’t want to see this superstar and all of his perfectly quaffed luscious locks make their way down Broadway all while he serenades us with his deep-for-a-19-year-old voice? I know the Brits could give a damn about Thanksgiving, but this is my indirect way of bribing/flirting with One Direction’s main man because 1) why not?! and b) I’m in the market for a New Year’s date. So sue me.
5. This beautiful cup of coffee in front of me right now. If this stunning mug of caffeine topped with latte art doesn’t deserve to be admired by millions, I’m not sure what does! My personal portion of uppers has quite the thankless job and it’s time I publicly recognized its power over my life. So why not acknowledge my mildly unhealthy addiction via a gaudy and over-the-top float exhibition? Maybe we could even pull for another 98 Degrees reunion on top of this coffee-themed float, to make this a truly startling and expensive sight to be seen. Worth every penny!