Sometimes you just gotta listen to Hootie and the Blowfish and let her cry. I don’t know what your specific deal is- but here is how to make sure nothing can go right so you can milk your misery for all it’s worth.
1. Try To Make Plans At The Last Moment On A Weekday Night
The week hasn’t started off well and you are in need of a moral boost. You decide what better time to start living life to the fullest than right now? You don’t want to wait for the perfect timing to magically manifest itself. Your “Carpe Diem” and “Mox Nox In Rem” moment is right now! Surely you have great friends who feel the same way…
2. Guilt Trip A Close Friend
This is the perfect time to remind your friends all you have given them during the course of your friendship. This is also the perfect time to tell them how they have been a fair weather friend. Do you have a friend you haven’t seen since her wedding day? It is time to bring up how much money you shelled out for that bridesmaid dress. Did you help your buddy move recently? It is time to remind him he never bought you that gratuity beer he promised. When they aren’t able to cater to your immediate whims and you end up spending the evening alone it will give you confirmation of your one-way-street friendship.
3. Shop For Pity Party Refreshments At Walmart
Now that you are friendless and feeling unappreciated it is time to accept your night of “me time.” You can find optimism in knowing you make the rules tonight! You have the freedom to get what you want and when you want it! Treat yo’self with the perfect meal. Don’t feel like cooking? No problem, you don’t have to answer to anybody and you can eat pizza rolls for dinner if you want. Remember when Mom baked them in oven for you when you were a kid? Well forget it, you know you’re gonna be microwaving em’. Try not to despair when most of them burst out of the sides from being overheated and the ones in the middle are lukewarm.
4. Buy The Alcohol You Can Afford, Not The Alcohol You Want
The night has not been going as smoothly as expected. A nice relaxing drink when you get home will take the edge off. But, you don’t have anybody to impress. Why go over budget with a nice Chardonnay? Strawberry flavor Arbor Mist is good enough. I know you have been wanting to try that new locally brewed craft beer but you have nobody to converse with about the hops. There is nobody at home to judge you for drinking Keystone Light and saving a few bucks. Nobody will know if you decide to drink your cheap booze out of a red solo cup. Keep that stiff upper lip as you remember what it was like to drink with friends.
5. Watch The Terrible Series Finale Of Your Once Favorite Show
You have been busy working hard and earning a living. Now you can sit back and binge watch the final season of Two and a Half Men. Maybe you didn’t give it a fair shot after Charlie Sheen left the show. You can’t blame Ashton Kutcher for the show’s failure. Charlie was a huge loss to the story line and even nobody could replace him. I mean, Charlie Sheen is a real Juggalo and Ashton Kutcher is a Steve Jobs fanboy. They are men cut from different cloths in life. Kutcher was sweeping floors in Iowa when Charlie Sheen was already a legend. Status update: disappointed.
6. Create Your Sappy Loser Playlist
Now that the piano has come crashing down, you’ve cursed Chuck Lorre for ruining another show, and annihilated any remaining hope; you can finally get down to the business of listening to the music that “gets you.” You have gone too far and the moment Adele could’ve helped has passed. Taylor Swift ain’t gonna help you shake it off and nobody is going to call you, maybe. It is time to reach deep and listen to the real artists who know what they are talking about! It is time to go searching for the comforting music that helped you through your teenage angst when you couldn’t do anything right.
7. Bring Your Self Loathing To A Fever Pitch By Perusing Your Facebook Newsfeed
You don’t have to miss the comfort of being sad. Facebook has done all the work for you by manipulating your news feed to secretly experiment on your psyche. Just load your updates and you will see all the friends who were “too busy” enjoying their lives. Look on the right side of screen, Facebook is suggesting you add your ex who ruined your life as a Facebook friend. Your mom has even invited you to play bingo and your Dad just shared a feel good story about Jeb Bush at CPAC.
8. Diagnose All Your Exes With Mental Issues
You couldn’t help yourself could you? You just had to look up the ex who ended your relationship with a lapse of judgement “that meant nothing to them.” Who in their right mind would stop loving you when you gave them the world? That’s it! They must’ve not been in their right mind and you were blinded by love. She was an attention seeking narcissist and he was a Momma’s boy who could cut the umbilical cord. It’s not your fault they weren’t good enough for you. They are the ones who wouldn’t fix their problems to be with you. You’re the victim, why should you feel bad for their mistakes…
9. Google Inspirational Quotes and Find A New Life Philosophy
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” -Dr. Seuss
10. Find All The Solutions To Your Problems, But Don’t Write Them Down
You’re gonna pick yourself up by your bootstraps and soldier on, comrade. You’re gonna go to the gym and get toned. You’re gonna love your body no matter what. You’re gonna stop watching porn and join the no fapping subreddit. You’re gonna look for a better job and pay your bills on time. You’re gonna get out of debt and buy a house. You’re gonna…forget to set your alarm, fall asleep on the couch, and wake up late for work with a crick in your neck.
“So no one told you life was gonna be this way…clap, clap, clap.”