How To Convince Your Parents You Are Successful
Open a savings account: If you get paid at least $10/ hour and still manage to dish out the dollars on your weekly mani/pedi—crack down and let reality smack you in the face. Your parents aren’t impressed with your perfectly shaped nail beds or on trend choice of polish.
De-tag drunk pictures of yourself on Facebook: We all need a little extra love and support from our parents. But if your texts, calls and visits are fiscal centric and the only time your parents get to see you is through your Facebook; don’t rub your drunken trail of tomfoolery in their faces. Their money is going somewhere and we all know you’re not drinking moonshine.
Start using the word “freelance”: Are you living your dreams by doing bitch-work for free in an internship position where what was once a glimmer of hope has transformed into an impalpable forever-winding tunnel of dismal doom? Just tell your parents you freelance. If folding clothes, making drinks or serving food is how you technically afford your rent and you chose to spend the remainder of your waking hours working towards your dreams without receiving a paycheck— just drop the f-bomb. They might even brag about you.
Pay your cell phone bill: Yeah, we’ve all heard of family plans. Once you get your degree, hit the pavement running and demand your rightfully deserved respect and independence, it’s time to get off the family plan. Your $10 a month contribution towards a plan that ultimately costs your parentals $175/ month doesn’t exactly earn you a badge as a growing pains benchmark.
Make and bring a dish to dinner: Don’t microwave; cook. Bring a dish and with it bring your class. Add a hint of mint, a pop of pepper or a dash of dijon. A microwaveable dinner transmits an immediate red flag to ma’ and pa’ that you’ve lived on your own for the past few years co-inhabiting a residence with a functioning oven and steered clear of any interaction.
Replace your empty Smirnoff bottles with Grey Goose: If you ever went to college and you chose to adorn your abode with empty bottles as a symbol of drunken accomplishments and tolerance levels, you’ve got to toss the Smirnoff bottles away stat. Brighten up a room and add dimension with the crystal clear allure and eminence that accompanies any Grey Goose bottle.
Do your own taxes: If you’re claiming yourself as an independent on your W-4, make sure your bite matches your bark. If you want to go ape-shit with your tax return make sure you really earned it. Especially since online tax sites have turned a once grueling process into a match the number and fill in the blank remedial task. A quest fit for even a third grader.
Learn how to do your laundry: For fuck’s sake separate the darks and the whites. You’re not making soup, you’re not cooking stir fly, you can’t just throw whatever you please into the deep, dark abyss that is your laundry machine. If you can’t separate your clothing or manage to wash your underwear without tinting it pink, you should probably still live at home.
Cover up: Stop wearing crop tops and letting it all hang loose. Your parents don’t care about your cup size. Flaunt your intelligence, not your assets.
When you’re sick: Don’t call them the second you realize you have the flu. Sweat, cramp, cough, cringe, toss and turn—alone. Wait it out, play hard to get and casually call after the chills have pathetically shivered the fever from your system.
Stop referencing Harry Potter and Twilight: Whatever teenage fixation surfaced for you through the medium of text, leave it on the bookshelf. Wingardium leviosa means literally nothing to someone in the second phase of his or her life.
What’s the best way to beat your parent’s rational outlook on your life? Just lie. Until your street-cred is rampant throughout your neighborhood or your bank account speaks for you, an exaggerated and enthusiastic account of the truth sprinkled with facts and fiction will have to do.