I want you to know that I want to open myself to you. To love. To the world, and to life and accept all that it’s throwing my way. But I also want to be fair to you and so I tell you this: it will take a while.
It will take a while before I forget. How perfect our hands fit together, how his kisses made me weak, how secured I felt in his arms, and how his chest was home to me. There will be times—many of them—that I will compare yours with his and it will ache in all different parts of me.
It will take a while before I stop seeing him in the places I—or even we—go. I will imagine him being there, hear his voice in my head either laughing or dropping a witty remark about the place or the food that we eat. I will know what will make his straight tight lips go break into a silly and lazy smirk when I see it.
It will take a while before your voice becomes music to my ears. You sing so well. You carry a tune like a pro and even record the songs I like. And yet, every song will still remind me of him, of the rapping of his fingers when his jam plays on the car, of how he will not hum because he knows I will tease him. It will be more often than not that I imagine us dancing to the songs.
It will take a while before my thoughts stop going to him at the sight of things. It could be as simple as a canned soda and a plain grey shirt to something big like a gavel. Even Viber will do it to me. A lot of things will remind me of our own private little jokes and I will laugh suddenly. You will wonder what caused it but you will know it’s him and you won’t say anything. That’s how much you love me. Believe me when I say I know, but..
It will take a while. It will take a while before I get over us. Before I get over the fact that we were once so happy and the world was with us, but not anymore. My mind says I’m okay, but my heart is full of questions. I still wonder what really went wrong. How we started to fall apart and what caused it. These only mean half of me will always be somewhere else.
It will take a while before I can fully accept you. You see, you make me happy the way he did. Sometimes more, and the other times I’m not letting you make me. It’s unfair, but I’m scared. I’m not sure I am ready for another story that could have an ending.
It will take a while. It will because I am still putting my pieces back together. I need time to heal. I need to be me again when I know that how you are treating me is how he should have. I want to build myself back up again that I will not question anymore my worth. That every time you tell me I’m perfect, I will not go back to the time he told me I am but still, he left me.
It will take a while and as much as I want for you to wait for me, I cannot and will not ask you that. I want you to be happy like how you make me. I want you to get the love you deserve, the same love you give me. I want you to have nothing to worry about.
It will take a while but if you were to be patient enough, it will be all worth it. I promise.