1. The “red light joggers”
People who run are annoying. People who run everyday are even more annoying. They taunt me on the streets with their obnoxious heavy breathing and sweat soaked Nike garb. They migrate in and out of traffic when you’re trying to make the mundane morning trek to school or work and all you want to do is go back to bed. “Get out of my way,” you imagine them saying. “I’m too good for all of you lazy mofos who are walking.” They make running their number one priority, because, I don’t know, I guess it’s good for you, or something. All of this is annoying, but what really gets my blood boiling is when a runner comes up to a red light at the crosswalk and slows down to a casual in-place jog. Seriously? Do you think you’re going to burn x amount of more calories just because you’re daintily moving your legs up and down at a red light? Are you going to be placing first at the Chicago marathon? Probably not. You look pretty stupid. Bonus — you make me want to go home and eat a whole batch of brownies by myself. Go away.
2. The “I say I’ll do something but never do” Friends
There are few things more aggravating than someone telling you they’ll do something for you and leaving you hanging. It’s no wonder I have trust problems. This is especially true in a relationship. “Oh, girlfriend, I’ll totally finish that letter I’ve been writing for you.” “We’re totally going to stay friends and try this relationship thing again when it’s easiest for us.” “I’m not going to let us become strangers, don’t worry.” What do I say to that? PFFFFTTT! People have a tendency to make empty promises, especially when it’s at the expense of the person they love but want to leave. Waiting for someone to fulfill a promise they’ve made is like waiting for Ricky Martin to turn straight. Probably never going to happen. Thus, acquire trust issues and never believe anyone when they say they’ll do something for you, even if it is as small as writing you a letter or taking you out to ice cream.
3. Extreme calorie counters
If TLC could produce a spin off from “Extreme Couponing” and “My Strange Addiction,” I’m sure “Extreme Calorie Counters” would be a huge hit. Examining the nutrition panel on the side of the box and exclaiming how it “Only has 40 calories per serving!” every time you go grocery shopping seems to turn a general appreciation of health and fitness into a obsession with letting the public know what is going into your body and desperation for everyone’s approval. Sandwiches are delicious; starvation is not. There is no inner voice celebrating that mini-victory you feel when you bite down on the first bite of an invisible meal. I know this because I’ve lived with these kinds of girls. It may be emotionally and physically exhausting to be one of these people, but my Lord, is it exhausting to be someone living with this person. Constantly hearing how many calories you’ve consumed, and watching you trot off to the gym to try to reverse the meal you had for breakfast, and listening to you complain about the cramps you get from
taking too many laxatives is literally draining. I promise you, nobody is going to notice if you had a donut and didn’t try to burn it off ASAP. So, please, do yourself and me a favor and enjoy your food. It’s not as bad for you as you think it is.
4. The “Okay, one more picture!” group of people
I recently went out to a lovely dinner with a group of my girlfriends. It was quite a scenery change from the normal hot dog and deep-dish pizza routine, so we made the attempt to perfect our hair, makeup, and outfits before hitting the town for our 8 p.m. (OMG — so adult!) dinner reservation. But before we even opened the door of the apartment to begin our trek, everyone insisted on a mini photo shoot in the living room. “That’s fine — some pictures to remember tonight by.” I figured. We stood in a line and wrapped our arms behind one another, the two girls on the ends with their hands on their hips and the camera on the mantle on self-timer. As soon as the flash went off, everyone raced to the camera to make sure they way they were posing didn’t accentuate their double chins and bad-sides and then insisted on deleting that one and taking another. The girls whipped their hair around and practiced the different smiles to make before the 10-second timer was up and the flash went off again. This pattern continued for about 30 minutes. I mean, come on. Taking pictures for the sake of how you’re going to look online, and not actually enjoying the moment, totally defeats the purpose of the moment. Plus, by the time we got to the restaurant, my hair totally didn’t look as good anymore. Bummer.