Meet him on a random Tuesday night when nothing in your world makes sense. Promise your trembling heart that you will take it slow this time. Let him drop a daydream in your wineglass and drink it up like the cure. Drunkenly tell him that he is a kind boy with a great smile and a shaky heart. Hear him laugh like the sweet poetry you could never write and kiss him before you have the chance to doubt yourself.
Accept the pieces of his past that he candidly feeds you. Feel the tectonic plates shift beneath your ribcage as he fiercely holds you through the night. Go home with the memory of his lips clinging onto every atom within your silhouette.
Completely disregard the fact that hope and love are purely abstractions. Forget that feelings are sometimes fickle. Give into the realm of possibility that he represents.
Fall. Fall for his beautiful brown eyes and the way his name tastes like freedom. Fall as if there is no beginning or end to the way you can wholeheartedly love another person. Fall so hard that your co-workers wonder if you’ve completely lost your mind. Pin all of your endless hope onto him, but pretend to the rest of the world that he is no more than a temporary crutch. Deny to your father that you are in love with the worst kind of lover. Selfishly let him worry. Grow use to the feeling of being second-best. Surrender to the fact that your happiness and sadness are intrinsically tied to his. Think that this can grow and become something extraordinary.
Let his careless words spill out of his mouth like senseless mosaic destruction against your soft amber skin. Let him try to take each broken piece back, even if it is too late to forget their weight in that heavy head of yours; even if every syllable burns onto your skin like freckles of regret and fury. Swallow the little pride you have left within your chest and bite your tongue in fear of losing him. Deny your vulnerability when you feel him slipping away. Wear denial like your middle name and tell your friends that you have everything under control. Cry senselessly when you are home alone.
Let his insecurity run like wildfire through the grooves of your brain.
Feel every doubt foxtrot against your cerebral and let it spread through your bones. Let him pour his selfish troubles into your soul when it’s best for him and let him take your kindness for granted. Wonder if this is how your mother broke her own heart, too. Forget that you deserve more than second-hand love. Run after him, even when he says he can’t give you what you need. Forget that pain brings it’s own form of clarity sometimes. Run back and forth between misery and soaring delight. Lose yourself completely when he inevitably leaves you. Lose it all.
Self-destruct. Drink too much and sleep too little. Don’t stop talking about him when you kiss other boys that remind you of his greatness. Keep a bottle of vodka under your bed and realise it is empty after two days.
Lie awake at 2am and remember that somewhere in a January that still exists, you are telling him that he is hope in human form.
Remember how you gave yourself to him, so quickly and willingly, without protest. Remember how you forgot that he calls someone else his lighthouse and home; that there is another girl that he chooses to call his partner, day after day, month after month. Remember that he never loved you in the way he loves her. You undoubtedly remember that the most.
It is now June and the kind boy with a great smile and a shaky heart is long gone.
Accept that you must move on.
Accept that it is the only truth within all of this madness.