I’m lying in the sun, grateful for what I do have and grateful for what I don’t. It’s been a strange couple of weeks, given current events. Yet, I’ve found the time for this in my daily routine.
The light on my phone lights up, a number I don’t recognize. The phone pressed against my ear, the sound of your voice trembles through my ear lobe. The world is at a standstill, but not the way your voice makes it stand still. My chest sinks and I breathe.
That’s all I have; that’s what you left me with.
You begin to speak and I try so hard not to feel, but a b-roll of that fall and summer emerges in my thoughts and syncs to your voice and what you are saying.
I listen to you gather your words—words you say have been lingering for a while now—and you say, “Sorry.”
It’s been a few months now, months in which I have learned and grown. Months in which I learned to never chase what doesn’t want to be caught because what is meant to be yours will always be. Months I learned to let go of what didn’t want to be held. Months in which I held myself.
Months I learned to find calmness and peace in the home you caused wreckage in, the home I thought I could never be in again without thinking of you. But I did. I made new memories without you. I found comfort in the silence of the mornings you were no longer a part of. I found ease in late evenings as I watched the sunset kiss the horizon goodnight, and I found a greater appreciation for moments of solitude. I found so much joy in music and so much more love for people who show up. But you, you don’t know any of that. Instead, you are just now dealing because there is nowhere left for you to run. There is nowhere left for you to hide.
And so here you are, and the more you say, the more I am reminded of what we went through. The more I am reminded of that chilling night of all the possibilities that dissipated into the ether, along with any hope I had. I am reminded of all of that as I sit with a recollection of everything your phone call brought.
I used to think love had moments in which it was messy, but that night reminded me of everything love isn’t. And love was not there that night except in my mind. I used to think my life was enhanced with you in it, but darling, when you left, I wished you so much happiness and wrapped myself in my own love because I knew I deserved better. The moment I stopped chasing what wasn’t meant for me, new adventures that aligned with my magic came to be. In that quiet space my mind, I was set free, and all the noise you brought stopped. I wish the same for you.