You were everything or nothing at all, there were no in-betweens. You were windows shattering in a Florida October storm that night taking everything that crossed your path and I was the only one standing there.
You were atomic a fucking tsunami. A rocket fleeting and dissipating into nothing. You were the “Special” experience-
all-consuming, impermanent, paralyzing, empty, momentary.
You were here, but you never really were here.
I tried to understand you. But you, you were too distracted to see. You were too busy trying to figure out when your next escape was going to be.
I tried to reason with myself that it was only once in a new moon. I tried to reason with myself by saying, “you had it under control.”
I wanted to be the one that brought you joy. But you were too far gone to notice.
The only thing that brings you joy is numbing. The only thing that lights up your face is a momentary high. But your eyes are dead and you escape anything that challenges your growth.
You see we are different in that. You run from reality by escaping to alternative universes in which responsibilities and consequences do not exist for you. Because it’s easier for you. But I hear echoes of your fears every time you seek to barricade in a storm and it’s piercing.
Now you are wandering through my thoughts like a broken promise-
Flickering, fading, intermittent
What you failed to see is that you can’t show up in halves. You can’t show up when you are never actually present. You can’t talk about a future when you don’t know what the current moment is. My entire being wanted to believe in the words you spoke, that I stopped believing in my self. The thing is energies tend to get heavier right before they release because we can’t hold on to what’s hard to hold.
I’ve faced many storms, but you, you were a Typhoon.