What can I say? What should I say? Where should I start? You came in light and fun, full of life, activities, art shows, and lavender latte-filled mornings accompanied by friends. You brought in activism, awareness, and change.

Pastel-colored mornings and vibrant three-toned sunsets. Lying atop glassy beds of water. Feeling the wind against my skin while gliding on a board caressed by grains of sand as I watched the horizon kiss the sun good night.

Late-night memories with people who have become friends for a lifetime. Road trips leading to fields of copper-toned beauties, road trips to rocky terrains, movies atop rooftops, palm tree field roads. New moon rituals, creativity, flow practice, cleansing waters, movement. Yes, 2019, you started light and fun, until you weren’t.

I didn’t realize how life-changing you were going to be until I was left with patchwork skin, achy eyes, and a deep feeling that this year was a hallucination. That’s the thing when you think you have it all figured out—the universe has a way that will humble you real quick. Because we are never actually done learning. We are never actually done experiencing. There is always space for change, growth, and acceptance awaiting us.

2019, I want to say thank you for breaking my heart, because you opened my eyes. Thank you for the revelations that you brought along with the chaos. Thank you for the Half Moon Bay-type waves, because you taught me to surf. 2019, you were a tiring adventure as I chased things that just weren’t meant for me. You were a reminder that some forces are much greater, that some things are just out of our control. You forced me to dive into myself and be patient with the waves. They have finally calmed, and I have come up just in time to welcome the new year with light and love.

In the end, it was either great or a lesson. There is no hate—it was either love or nothing at all.