1. When your friend changes their profile photo, you will be the first (or, okay, one of the first) to like it — even if it is an incredibly #basic shot that they have filtered so much that they hardly look like the same person. Profound friendship requires that you are a loyalty liker on social media.
2. You will give their new significant other a chance. You will give them two, three, four chances — more chances than they deserve because, hey, if your friend likes them, they must have SOME redeeming qualities, right?
3. However, the moment that they break up with their significant other, you will rush over to their apartment with a full box of double-stuffed Oreos, a Joni Mitchell mix CD (er, Spotify playlist), and trash bags so you can help them throw away painful relationship mementos.
4. When they say or do something that pisses you off, you are allowed no more than three days to be passive-aggressively upset at them without telling them why. After that, if you care about repairing your friendship, you will cede your pride to a frank dialogue. Confrontation is uncomfortable but necessary here.
5. You will not get mad at them for throwing up into your favorite pair of shoes. You will not get mad at them for throwing up into your favorite pair of shoes. You will not get mad at them for throwing up into your favorite pair of shoes. But, you will gently suggest that they buy you a new pair.
6. When they make a fool out of themselves after blatantly disregarding your sage advice, you will ignore the temptation to say, “I told you so!” no matter how satisfying that might seem. Save your self-righteousness for elsewhere.
7. The role of a friend is to support rather than judge. With that in mind, remember to bite your tongue when they walk into brunch wearing an outfit that looks like something Paula Deen would’ve put together — that is, if she were drunk and had forgotten to put in her contacts at the time.
8. That being said, it IS important that you open your mouth if they plan to do something next-level stupid or potentially detrimental to their health or well-being.
9. If you have ever vomited, peed, or cried in front of each other, you essentially share a lifelong bond. Keep this knowledge in the back of your mind like those annoyingly catchy lyrics to the latest Beyoncé song and try not to mess it all up over something petty or inane.
10. If you take screenshots of Snapchat selfies, you are not a trustworthy friend — unless, the Snapchats are either so hilarious or so unflattering that you must save them for blackmail and birthday picture collages. That’s acceptable.
11. They are allowed to do whatever they please on their birthday, and you are a Debra (which is worse than a simple Debbie Downer) if you say otherwise.
12. When something wonderful happens to your friend — say, they get an internship or an exciting discount at American Apparel (the end-all-be-all of happy events) — you better experience a healthy amount of secondhand joy. If you feel any resentment, bitterness, or annoyance at your friend’s triumphs, you need to take a step back and reevaluate yourself.
13. Friends do not let other people trash-talk or gossip about friends. If someone so much as utters a negative word about your friend in front of or to you, you side-eye that person so viciously that they might pee their pants. Just a little.
14. Don’t grouse about money with your friends. It’s awkward, and honestly, the two of you will probably owe each other enough money throughout the duration of your friendship that it will all even out. So, if you end up paying for dinner because they left their wallet at home, forget about the extra $11.37 and let them buy you a few coffees the next week.
15. Take turns being little spoon whenever you happen to share a bed and alternate choosing whatever film the two of you watch during a Friday night in. Friendship is all about fairness.
16. When you tell them that you’ve forgiven them for some (hopefully, minor) transgression, actually forgive them. If not, move on with your life, but don’t call someone your friend if you feel less-than-friendly vibes towards them.