1. Sit around your best friend’s apartment together while she’s gone for the night and plot ways to prank her when she gets back. Ideas include (but are not limited to) covering her walls in Post-It Notes, placing a layer of Saran Wrap over her toilet seat, and replacing the ketchup in her Heinz bottle with Sriracha.
2. Coerce him into Facebook stalking people you are interested in and approximating your chances with each one, based on his highly advanced knowledge of male feelings (and manipulation thereof).
3. Seize the opportunity — while your best friend is away and can’t keep you from taking advantage of her boyfriend — to ask him insidious but necessary questions like “How morally bankrupt is it to hit on so-and-so?” or “How can I expertly craft this text message to make myself seem disinterested when I’m totally not?”
4. Offer to pay him in beer for helping you trim your bangs, which are growing unruly, because you haven’t had much time and you won’t have much time to find a salon.
5. Offer to pay him in more beer to help you paint the nails on your right hand. Glitter polish is difficult to apply, and the grip on your weaker hand is not so great. Throw in a chicken burrito when he initially refuses. Keep adding more chicken burritos to the trade until he finally agrees.
6. Watch three old episodes of The Bachelor in a row together while sharing a bag of Dove chocolate — a prime friend-making activity. Provide colorful commentary so that you can really make sure that his education on Juan Pablo trivia is complete. Because every man needs to know about Juan Pablo and know not to follow his (homophobic!) example.
7. Scream and climb onto the backrest of the couch when you notice what seems to be a cockroach scuttling across the floor, towards the stove. Insist that he go kill it. Calm down — reluctantly — when he checks under the stove and assures you that are there are no cockroaches to be seen.
8. Force him to accompany you to the bodega around the corner around 1:14 in the morning — as y’all are both still up waiting for your best friend to return home — because you want peanut M&M’s and are too afraid to go outside at night by yourself. Uh, you’re new to New York City and what if someone tries to kidnap you on your way over?
9. Dig through your bag until you find a pen and draw on his face when you’ve noticed that he fell asleep during the last episode of The Bachelor that you were watching. Draw lightly, only on the side of his face, and only moderately inappropriate designs because you’re, like, trying to be considerate. You wouldn’t want him to walk into class tomorrow morning with a massive you-know on his forehead.
10. Jump up from the couch when you hear the front door rattle. As your friend comes inside, exhausted from a night of doing work in the library, point to her slumbering hunk of man meat and ensure her that the two of you had a great evening of bonding. You can totally boyfriend-sit again the next time she needs it.