Last night’s season three premiere of Girls (“Females Only”) proves that the TV world’s favorite millennials-slash-toddlers defy the laws of aging.
As they continue to slosh through their 20s — just as self-involved as a Kardashian-esque celebrity but maybe more oblivious — Hannah and the gang somehow manage to become less and less mature. Adulthood is only relative and this is the millennial plight, right?
Below is a list of the episode’s key moments for each of the main characters. Some made us face-palm, concerned for the progression (read: degradation) of society’s most annoying generation. Some gave us hope — that Hannah, Marnie, Shoshanna, Jessa, and company might be growing up, after all (or, at least, growing a bit more self-aware).
A. Surprisingly, Hannah has more of her shit together than anyone else — having finally finished her eBook. Her editor plans to preview the first four chapters on nerve.com — so, kudos to girlfriend, who is living out the wet dreams of many an Internet writer.
B. Adam has moved in with her — which makes it more convenient for him to moonlight as her dad…taking care of her when he’s not, you know, taking care of her in bed.
-5 points for using her boyfriend as a surrogate parent.
C. He serves her meds every morning with a glass of orange juice. Next week, he’ll be spoon-feeding her breakfast.
D. Adam’s ex Natalia tears into her during a random coffee shop encounter — insulting her relationship with him as well as her potential breastfeeding abilities. Though 8/10 would’ve fired back with an equally vicious quip (“Yeah, Natalia? Well, your…your part is off-center!”), Hannah miraculously kept her cool.
Total: 4 points
A. Marnie is back home in the ‘burbs with her mom, sleeping on the couch under a Rainbow Brite blankie. We won’t hold this against her because her mysterious break-up with Charlie — which occurred sometime between this season and last — has reduced her to a weepy pile of mush.
B. However, we cringed a little when she suggested that people should avoid “love and feelings” and other “matters of the soul” because of the risk of getting hurt. Those are fightin’ words, but we understand because she’s reeling. Still,
-2 points and nine sad-face Emojis for the excessive cynicism.
Total: -2 points
A. Fresh from her break-up with Ray, Shoshanna is on a sex-positive bender: alternating nights of sexual adventurism with nights of academic focus — as she puts it. You keep doing you, Shosh — or, uh, letting other people do you.
B. But, seriously, Shosh needs to choose better romantic partners. Shacking up with someone who 1) still sleeps in a bunk bed and 2) whose roommate is in the bottom bunk when you wake up is not a good look past freshman year of college.
Total: 3 points
A. What did Jessa do at heroin rehab? What didn’t Jessa didn’t do at heroin rehab — or, who, more accurately? After outing a fellow patient as a lesbian, she attempts to attempts to right her wrong and hooks up with who she calls “fat, gay Laura.” Though she claims this is an act of charity, we’re not so sure.
+5 points for rocking someone’s world.
-10 points for being a sociopath.
B. Instead of coming to terms with her demons, Jessa faces them for a brief moment or two before slamming the door on them once more. Her time in rehab is like a bleaker version of Girl, Interrupted. Productive as usual, she spends her group sessions mocking the other patients until she gets herself kicked out. You kind of want to slap her in the face, but you also want to hug her, braid her hair, and help heal her emotional damage.
Total: -9 points
A. Beneath his rock-hard façade (and pecs), Adam has a heart of gold (and big, baleful brown eyes), and nowhere is this clearer than when he calms down a heartbroken Marnie. He tells her that there is a difference between thinking that you know someone and actually knowing him or her — which is more insightful than anything anyone else has to say this episode.
B. We learn a little more about Adam’s romantic past — including a relationship with a Colombian Columbia student who broke up with him because she was an “intellectual” and he was a “thug.” Predictable-ish. Behind every emotionally unavailable guy is an ex who tore out his still-beating heart. Still, poor Adam.
+4 points for letting himself be vulnerable and talking about this with Marnie to comfort her.
C. Adam drops some more romantic truth nuggets when he and Hannah discuss the nature of their relationship. When Hannah says that relationships should revolve around spending every waking moment with your partner, he shuts her down.
D. However, he doesn’t follow through with what he says — spending a taco-and-ice-cream dinner with Hannah’s friends despite telling her repeatedly that he doesn’t want to. Whipped is only cute for so long.
Total: 13 points
Biggest Baby: With -9 points, Jessa takes the cake this week for the least self-aware and the most self-pitying. We’re just amazed that she managed to get herself kicked out of rehab. That takes some next-level antics.