1. You walk in and you realize that you don’t know more than half of the people in attendance — namely the freshmen girls who are wearing crop tops in 12-degree weather (seriously, though…it’s snowing outside). They remind you a lot of yourself back in the day, and you feel a vague sense of annoyance at who you were three years ago.
2. You spend most of your time trying to play catch up with your guy friends, who are brothers, and you don’t know whether to laugh or scoff at the underclassmen — guys and girls, but for different reasons — that come up and earnestly ask, “Are you in a frat?”
3. You make a mental note to mock or chastise (depending on the sleaze factor involved) those same friends later for hitting on freshman girls. “Baby,” you want to say to those sweet, unknowing girls, “I knew him when he was your age and had a bowl cut. Trust me, he started from the bottom.”
4. Upon realizing that the line to the bathroom is unforgivably long, your level of grouchiness increases exponentially. The situation worsens when you step inside a stall and realize that there isn’t any toilet paper left. The freshmen must have used up all the toilet paper.*
5. Someone offers you a red solo cup filled with an unknown orange liquid, which you decline. Instead, you pour yourself a chaste cup full of tonic water. Since when did you become such a grandma?
6. You know all the words to this song.
If you go to a southern university, you also know all the words to this song.
7. If one more freshman boy bumps into you while haphazardly fist-bumping, you’re going to lose it.
8. During the day, the basement is where brothers go to play FIFA, eat dinner, or talk loudly about the amount of homework they have. During the evening, the basement morphs into a makeshift dance floor. When you go downstairs, you happen upon a couple slow dancing to Drake in the middle of the floor. You start to feel a bit queasy from the tacos you ate for dinner.
9. One of your friends ordered a pepperoni pizza and a large order of cheesy bread (which, as anyone under the age of 22 and below a certain level of respectability knows, is key to ending the night). Someone knocks into him just as he’s opening that Domino’s box, and he drops a pipin’ hot slice onto the floor. Without thinking twice, he picks it up, stares at it for approximately three seconds, shrugs, and takes a massive bite…all while you observe in horror.
10. You grab your coat and bag, ready to call it quits for the night. Before you go, you do a walk-through around the house in search of your best guy friend — who is somewhere playing host and rocking neon pink short shorts as per the night’s rave party theme. You walk into his bedroom, where he surely must be, and accidentally interrupt what seems to be an impromptu make-out session between him and some girl you kind of know but not really. Okay, wow, bye. It’s time for bed.
*You really don’t despise freshmen as much as it may seem. In fact, you were once a bumbling freshman who only made it through your first year of college and 18th year of life thanks to the guidance and expertise of worldlier upperclassmen. You get it. Most of the time.