1. Whip out your phone so that you can show her pictures from that time you spent six months in Paris, her favorite city in the entire world. Hand the phone to her so that she can scroll through pictures of the Eiffel Tower, Luxembourg Gardens, and the Seine River…before you realize that the first image saved to your camera roll is a Snapchat you screenshot earlier that day. Worst of all, it’s a nudie Snapchat that features an ex-girlfriend who has cleverly positioned her pet cat over her naughty bits. This might be animal abuse, but maybe you can spin it into…art?
2. Find her on Facebook approximately a week and a half after meeting her at a party. Even though you only spoke for fifteen minutes — about the weather and the chances your professor would soon hand back the psych exam you both took — you feel as though there was a real, vibrant connection. When she accepts your friend request, promptly send her a message detailing the dream that you had about her the other night — which was so involved and, uh, graphic that she probably has grounds to file for a restraining order.
3. Tell her that she has pretty eyes. When she smiles and starts to blush, add to the moment of sweet intimacy by blurting out that their color and shape remind you of your mom’s eyes. Tell her that this is unintentional — though you probably won’t convince her. When she gets up to leave, muttering vaguely about making some meeting on time, try one more time and tell her that you love your mom, so she should think of this as compliment!
4. Figure out what time she usually goes to the gym and maneuver your schedule so that you happen to run into her one day as she’s exiting her Pilates class — sweaty hair plastered to the side of her face and eyeliner running down her cheeks, Bride of Frankenstein style. Remark that she smells “really, really good” — even though she smells like a mixture of fermented dog feces and tacos. She’ll know that you’re trying extra hard.
5. Text her that you found a pair of her earrings underneath your futon. These are a pair of pearls that her grandmother gave to her when she turned 13, and she has asked you about them several times in the last few weeks, since she lost them somewhere in the pizza-box-and-dirty-socks abyss that is your bedroom. You’re proud of yourself for having finally dug them up, and you figure that you can count on some coital fun as a reward for your efforts. Hand her the earrings after she gets to your place, but when her face starts to fall as she looks at them, ask her what’s wrong. Ten minutes later, place an ice pack over the cheek she slaps just before leaving. Shit. Her grandmother gave her diamond studs.
6. When you see her at a party, quickly go up to her and give her the strongest bear hug your hulking (100 percent, pure protein powder) muscles can muster. Neglect the fact that you can barely stand up or see straight. After she asks if you’re all right, respond loudly with, “There’s no such thing as too much beer!” Lean in for a kiss when she’s not looking and immediately empty the contents of your stomach all over the front of her blouse — beer, buffalo wings from earlier, and the chocolate bar you lifted from your buddy’s desk to pace yourself at the beginning of the night. Later, you can offer to help her get those stains out. With a wink, of course.