1. Steak ‘n Shake
You are the kind of guy who always makes sure to douse himself with cologne — but not that cheap Axe brand that you used in nauseating amounts during college — before going out. Nine out of ten times, you remember to slick back your hair with gel before you hit the club, Scott Disick style, and you leave the top few buttons of your shirt open to ensure that your chest-hair to skin ratio is on point. Your favorite book is American Psycho, but entering the workforce doesn’t mean you’ve grown out of your fondness for having people take body shots off of you. Your idea of a perfect date is going to a three-star Italian restaurant, but let’s be honest: you care more about the post-dinner nookie than you do the spaghetti Bolognese.
2. Burger King
As soon as you enter a bar, you head straight for the girl that no one else seems to notice, who is standing by the bar — surreptitiously taking Instagram photos of her cocktail while her friends chat up the mildly creepy older dudes around them. She will seem disaffected and moderately standoffish, but that’s exactly the kind of air you like. When it all boils down, the two main requirements you have for romantic interests are emotional fragility and eccentric humor. You don’t go for girls who are mainstream or, uh, lame-stream, and you are perpetually searching for the perfect Ramona Flowers to complement your hoodie-and-black-skinny-jeans aesthetic.
While some of your friends might go for ladies in the streets and freaks under the sheets, you opt for those who are ladies both in the streets and in the sheets. You choose your romantic partners on the basis of how well they rock the “take me home to meet your mother” aesthetic (though you do have a crush on Miley Cyrus, which you haven’t told to any of your friends because it’d badly damage your street credit). You are a stickler for tradition, and you wake up every morning before nine to read the paper and drink a hearty K-cup, even when you have someone stay the night.
4. Taco Bell
You forget to text girls back not because you have a harem of other conquests lined up but because you accidentally fell asleep while watching Pineapple Express for the fourth time this week. You rock hemp sweatshirts and sweatpants like nobody’s business, and your most consistent relationship is with the delivery guy who brings your take-out orders to your apartment several times a week. You haven’t cut your hair since your junior year of college, and you have a tattoo that says “Shred the Gnarr” on your bicep. Once, you read this book by Kurt Vonnegut, and when you need to impress, you can whip out that one quote from it — uh, what was the title again?
If you’re the kind of dude who likes to spend your lunch breaks at Subway, chances are that you’re looking for someone who will appreciate a nice, cheap foot-long. You like quality, but you don’t have the time for anything more than convenience. Though you will vehemently deny it, you secretly envy Tucker Max but will tell women that they don’t have to shave their armpits if they don’t feel like it. Often, you pick up women by complaining loudly about the patriarchy, but you kind of enjoy entrenching patriarchal double standards. #Realtalk.