1. Penny Lane – Almost Famous
During high school, you had posters of Kurt Vile all over your bedroom, and your parents worried about your predisposition towards men who looked like they were breeding four kinds of STDs under their slim-fit Urban Outfitters corduroys. You once kissed the back-up tour drummer for a band whose single was featured in an iTunes commercial — which was the greatest experience of your life, and you wrote about it on your Tumblr. Though you just graduated college and work at the art gallery your parents’ friends own, you dream of one day becoming a music journalist, but you won’t read Pitchfork on principle. This morning, instead of finishing the assignment your boss gave you, you listened to the new Haim album and judged those of your friends who had no idea what it was.
2. Elle Woods – Legally Blonde
You probably spend an inordinate amount of time convincing people that you’re not illiterate, but even though you have a soft spot for Taylor Swift and a tendency to say “like” fourteen times in the same sentence, you know you could school anyone intellectually. You love the color pink, 80 percent of your possessions are either bedazzled or covered in glitter, and you go crazy whenever you hear there’s a sale at Michael’s or see a dog small enough for you to reasonably carry around in your Lily Pulitzer tote bag. In your opinion, it is extremely important that all women possess the ability to craft, a boyfriend who looks good in a salmon-colored button down, as well as a hearty knowledge of domestic policy.
3. Laney Boggs – She’s All That
The people around you suck, so you enjoy spending most of your time curled up in bed with your queue of Netflix documentaries — the highlight of your last Friday night was watching a really eye-opening documentary on the science of sexuality while emotionally eating quinoa out of the pot. You can’t afford health insurance but you shop almost exclusively at Whole Foods — even Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry your favorite brand of organic, hand-made granola. You resent it when people tell you that you’d look “really hot” if you invested in contacts and a decent brand of mascara because you think that sort of discourse objectifies you. However, during high school, you had a secret crush on the captain of the football team, which led you to fill countless Moleskin notebooks with love poetry.
4. Jessminder Bhamra – Bend it Like Beckham
You might have a set of ovaries, but you spend most of your time kicking it with the bros — all of whom you could easily dominate when it comes to Fantasy Football, hot-dog eating contests, or shot-gunning beers. The only thing that makes you more excited than NFL power rankings is Hillary Clinton. When you gripe to your male friends — who far outnumber your female friends — about how no one will date you, they suggest that you’re not looking hard enough but the fact of the matter is that men are usually intimidated by your ass-kicking, name-taking demeanor. They know that you will wear the pants in any relationship, and you’ll keep them tightly belted around your waist.
5. Kathryn Merteuil – Cruel Intentions
This morning, you went to the doctor because you thought you had a sinus infection, but after he looked down your nostrils, he noted with displeasure that (only) your left nasal cavity was bright and swollen. Oops. You’ve mastered the art of psychological warfare, and you know that your sexuality is your greatest weapon — along with your incredible body (with great beauty comes great responsibility, but didn’t Machiavelli mention that all effective leaders abused their power?). Fingers crossed that it stays this perky and nubile forever and if not, you have a whole arsenal of your mother’s plastic surgeons at your disposal. If people try to get in the way of your palpable sense of entitlement, you will crush them (or you will hire someone to do so). Like the plebes they are.
6. Cher Horowitz – Clueless
Sometimes, people mistakenly characterize you as “snooty” or “ditzy” but what they don’t understand is that you’re a giant sweetheart. You will gladly take girls who are less socially endowed or fashion fortunate under your wing and enable their metamorphoses into beautiful butterflies. After all, not everyone can be as fabulous as you are, but they certainly deserve to try. You believe that excessive retail therapy is the best way to get over immature boys who don’t know how to handle you respectfully — no romantic liaison will feel better than maxing out your daddy’s credit card for a pair of gorgeous wedges. When people ask you how you stay in such great shape, you gladly tell them that you haven’t eaten bread since you were 15 years old.
7. Charlotte – Lost in Translation
The highlight of your 20-something years thus far was graduating with a shiny humanities degree from an Ivy League University, and you often wonder if it will all go downhill from there. You work as a barista in a cozy, corner coffee shop located in a neighborhood that is just as hip as Williamsburg but much less gentrified. The worst part about your job is not the constant stream of customers who ask for a caramel macchiato (“Sorry, we don’t make those”) but the fact that none of your coworkers want to talk about Thomas Beckett with you during your breaks. You spend a lot of time feeling unfulfilled. You are perpetually searching for your “calling,” but you’ve begun to smoke American Spirits in order to numb your powerful sense of dread over wasting away your life.
8. Kat Stratford – 10 Things I Hate About You
The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is write out a detailed to-do list for the day that you never end up finishing. Some days you feel as though you can accomplish anything but that may also be the near lethal amounts of Adderall and caffeine that form the bulk of your diet. You were only the saledictorian of your high school graduating class, and the bitter knowledge that you were not number one has caused you to develop an inferiority complex about your intellect. So, you overcompensate by reading the New Yorker cover to cover to make sure that you always have pertinent, intelligent talking points. You can’t remember the last time you felt the tender embrace of a man.
9. Juno MacGuff – Juno
You’re a bit of an oddball, but that doesn’t make you any less content occupying your particular niche in the social stratosphere. Usually, that involves sharing corgi GIFs to Reddit and going to Waffle House with your friends. Sassy is your shtick, but most of your friends don’t understand your understated sarcasm. You also have an unfortunate attraction to lanky, pimply-faced men who look underage and whose social awkwardness is so palpable that it’s almost charming. Almost. During your spare time, you listen to punk rock and reread the Livejournal you kept during high school to record your interactions with the kids who were much cooler and more popular than you were. You like to tell yourself that they are all currently unemployed.
10. Lizzie McGuire – The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Though you might have all the physical attributes of a grown woman, you’re really an adult-sized baby whose love of Lena Dunham borders on the obsessive. You chose to attend a small, women’s liberal arts college partially because you were really into female empowerment as an 18-year-old but also because you felt that you were too socially awkward to handle yourself around the rougher sex. These days, you spend most of your spare time at work expanding your collection of cat stickers and daydreaming about the lead singer of One Direction (is he single?). You fear the day your parents stop paying for your rent.