1. Order a salad when you go out to eat.
Make sure the croutons and dressing (balsamic vinaigrette, only) comes in containers on the side. Hold the cheese, tomatoes, olives, and carrots. Confirm with the waiter that the baby spinach is, indeed, gluten-free and don’t forget to ask how many calories are in the iced lemon water.
2. Throw a temper tantrum when the espresso machine is broken at the Starbucks you frequent.
The struggle for your morning iced Americano is real (how else are you going to get through your 11 a.m. sociology class?). Glare at the barista until your displeasure is palpable and he offers you a free iced coffee — even though that does not taste the same at all.
3. Spend the entirety of class toggling through tabs for the Urban Outfitters, Free People, and American Apparel websites.
Occasionally raise your hand when your professor asks a question and make a profound comment, relating a news clip you read on Yahoo News this morning to the two pages of reading you did last night. Feel very proud of yourself and go back to placing items in your shopping cart because you’re bored.
4. Whine to your father on the phone about how badly you need him to extend your credit limit because Fall Break is right around the corner, and you really want to go on vacation to Cancun.
Stress that all the girls in your sorority are going, and, besides, winter is right around the corner — you need to work on your tan while you still have time. Also, Mexico is an excellent place for you to go in order to learn about different cultures — and isn’t college all about expanding your cultural capital? Start to whimper if you sense any reluctance on his part.
5. When he agrees (more out of exhaustion than anything else), remind him to deposit some more money into your checking account.
You need hard money for cab rides and bottle service this weekend — not that you’ll actually pay for any it, but it’s nice to have cash on hand.
6. Repress the urge to scream when you discover someone else on your favorite treadmill at the gym.
You go to the gym every single afternoon at exactly four o’clock, and everyone should know that this treadmill is yours. Instead, wait politely at the side of the machine until they feel uncomfortable and let you have it. Passive-aggressiveness isn’t rude, right?
7. Go to your professor’s office hours when he hands back your latest assignment with a big, fat D.
Sit in his office and try to convince him that you need at least a C or your parents won’t let you go to Mexico with all your friends and if you don’t go to Mexico with all your friends, no one will like you anymore. When that doesn’t work, start bawling. Tears always get you what you want.
8. Refuse to leave your apartment without having straightened your hair and perfected your make-up.
Carefully develop the appropriate mascara-to-foundation ratio that will ensure you look hot on every occasion — including at the gym. Especially at the gym.
9. Follow E! News, US Weekly, and Perez Hilton on your Twitter.
This way, you can ensure that you not only receive a constant stream of news that is pertinent but also that you’re always in the know before any of your friends about issues like the size of Jessica Simpson’s baby bump or Amanda Bynes’ most recent hijinks.
10. Remind yourself each morning after you wake up and before you brave the barbarian world outside the confines of your bedroom that this is your universe.
And and everyone else just rents space in it.