Author’s note: I may enjoying roasting girls in college, but that’s only because I am a girl in college who has been (or currently is) guilty of each one of these offenses:
1. Simultaneously coo at the sight of infants, toddlers, and small children in public while clutching our stomachs in terror at the possibility that this could — and might (if we’re not careful, at least) — ever become our reality. The thought of popping out babies can be terrifying when most of us are still babies ourselves.
2. Spend the duration of our periods complaining to anyone who will listen about our gut-clenching cramps, violent mood swings, or need to eat as much chocolate as possible. Spend the week before our periods panicking.
3. Pimp out our lives on social media: if a group of girls in college go out and don’t take pictures to document the occasion, did it actually happen? We have learned which filters best complement pictures of our weekend frat party misadventures that we post to our social networks en masse.
4. Go to brunch off-campus during the weekends as a break from the dining hall. Get overly excited about venturing off-campus. Spend an excessive amount of money on boutique foods like peanut butter, truffle, and Oreo waffles or honey and raspberry scrambled eggs. Take Instagram photos of said food before delving in.
5. Watch shows like New Girl or Girls and publicly proclaim either how annoying we think the main characters are or how much we identify with them. Regardless, a disproportionate amount of their problems resonate with us because we’re all on the #millennial struggle bus. Or we will be as soon as we graduate.
6. While Facebook lurking, accidentally friend someone we should not. Proceed to panic, immediately unfriend them, and throw our phones across the room. Examples of these forbidden Facebook friends include: our current boyfriend’s ex, our best friend’s older brother, and our incredibly attractive Anthro 101 TA.
7. Convince ourselves that we’re the girls who will make our male counterparts disembark from the Tucker Max train. Get our hearts broken a few times, and realize that we are often powerless in the face of immaturity. Learn to run far, far away when guys tell us that they idolize Tucker Max.
8. Spend hours perfecting casually put-together-yet-sloppy outfits that suggest to the world that we’ve only just rolled out of bed before hopping to class. These outfits often involve leggings, sweaters, boots, and/or messy buns; they frequently require more thought than any of our homework assignments.
9. Go to the bathroom together at parties. We travel in groups during social gatherings, and if one of us needs to pee, the rest of us also need to pee. Bathroom time also provides a nice reprieve during which we can discuss wing woman strategies while making sure that our eyeliner is still intact.
10. Develop crushes on our friends. Any girl who makes it through college without falling victim to friend infatuation — an easy and often awkward plight — must have heartstrings of steel. We are often drawn to people around whom we feel wholly comfortable. Though it works out sometimes, for the most part, we should nip those feelings in the bud and opt elsewhere.