It’s a new year, and right about now we will all begin our resolutions. The gym will be packed for several weeks until they are broken, much like my hopes and dreams of being armpit fat free…
Every year on January first so many of us vow to do or not do certain things anymore so I thought I would try to make our goals and aspirations a bit more realistic. As my belated holiday gift to you, I present some New Year’s Resolutions you may actually be able to keep…
In 2015, vow to get it on a little more. Sex releases dopamine which is your body’s natural way of getting happy, and happy people aren’t assholes so bang your significant other, bang your neighbor, bang yourself! Just get busy, and stop being such a dick.
What is the number one resolution of all time? Lose weight/eat better. Let’s be realistic here… I personally, have already polished off a cheesecake left over from my New Year’s Party. If you are anything like me, you may want to start out small by consuming more fruits and veggies so why not drink a Bloody Mary? It’s full of tomatoes and celery. Wine = grapes. I also hear there is a potato in every beer. You’re welcome.
If you are anything like me, you’ll dream all day about getting home so you can sleep but instead stay up half the night falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. (I’ve seen some things, man. I’ve seen some things.) This year, vow to get more sleep and take more naps so people stop asking you if you are getting sick (which we all know is code for, “Which hole did you crawl out of this morning?”) Good news though, passing out still counts as sleep, technically.
Ladies, this year let’s vow to shave our legs, even in the winter…or at least during the other 3 seasons…ok fine, throughout summer only. Just when we are going to be wearing shorts or a skirt. From the knee down. Fuck it. Wear more yoga pants. Ladies, this year let’s wear more yoga pants.
Now is the perfect time to ditch everyone in your life that has become a pain in the ass. I don’t care if you are 20 years old. Don’t bother waiting until you are 30, and you feel like the emotional equivalent of a meth addict’s face. If they suck now, they will suck in ten years…unless they actually suck in which case, fellas, maybe you want to keep them around for that purpose.
Another popular resolution is “save more money.” How about we all agree to stop buying shit we don’t need with money we don’t have unless it’s something really special because you absolutely need a life size cut out of Daryl Dixon. If anyone tells you otherwise, you get rid of that person because you don’t need that kind of negatively in your life, remember?
One thing a lot of us need to stop doing is leaving our credit cards at bars. I know what you are thinking…perhaps “drinking less” should be the resolution here, but don’t be ridiculous. How else am I going to get my daily-recommended servings of fruit and vegetables?