Guys, We Don’t Want To See Your D*ck Pics

Flickr / Kārlis Dambrāns
Flickr / Kārlis Dambrāns

It was turning out to be a perfect day.

My morning meeting had been cancelled leaving my afternoon completely open to grab a bite with my mom, and there are few things in this world more glorious than a (screaming) child-free brunch during the workweek. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy chugging cocktails on Sunday Funday like I’m at a frat party, but sipping them without a standing audience giving me the stink eye is nothing short of magical.

My mom and I were chatting about which member of our family is more insane when my phone alerted me that I had a message. I figured it might be work related so I reached down to check, hoping I wasn’t going to have to cut my meal short. “Oh thank God,” I thought, “It’s just a message from (let’s go ahead and call him) John.”

As I went to click on the message to respond that I was at brunch (and would call him after), I noticed it wasn’t a text at all but rather a picture…an extremely close-up picture…of his erect penis.

I damn near spit my Bloody Mary directly into my mother’s face. Are you serious? It’s not even noon! Can’t a girl enjoy her plate of bacon without a side of sausage?

Now just to clarify, John and I were not romantically involved nor had we ever been romantically involved. I had never even been hammered and thought about touching his penis so what brought upon this unprovoked sext?

I needed answers so, of course, I showed the picture to any of my closest female friends willing to look and asked how, if at all, I should respond. As it turns out, I was not the only one to have their eyes physically violated lately. As a matter of fact, each of my friends had entire photo files which apparently received new entries often.

Sexting is not a new concept by any means. Most women could dig up an old sidekick with a couple of pixelated pictures of penises (say that five times fast), but they were most likely collected for collateral…more of a “If my boobs end up online, I’m passing out flyers of your limp dick, buddy” situation. However, it seems if you are a single woman in 2015, you are probably receiving more pictures of wieners than Ulta coupons in the mail.

After a serious discussion about the origin of the dick picture and it’s current standing in modern day society, we came up with a few possible reasons as to what brought upon this sudden surge of confidence in men…

Perhaps there was an article in Maxim responsible for all these shots of balls before breakfast. Something along the lines of, “Give her what she really wants this Valentine’s Day.” If women read Cosmo and are willing to try awful sex tip #72615, there is a possibility men are eager to follow the same shitty advice.

Could it be sending pictures of your penis is the new way of saying, “Hey. I’ve been thinking about you,” but in a more graphic/less romantic way? Maybe morning wood has replaced the good morning text, and us ladies didn’t get the memo.

Another possible reason may just be some sort of guy logic pertaining to the whole situation. “If I send her a picture of my dick, she will send me a picture of her boobs.” An eye for an eye or a nude for a nude if you will. Guys, if this is your go to strategy, google “supply and demand,” and be prepared to be disappointed.

I’m thinking maybe there was one girl who told the guy she was dating that sending a picture of your penis to a female is the highest form of flattery. “Don’t bother telling her how beautiful she is when you can show her via your raging boner.”

I’m willing to bet she is the same girl who started the “all girls love anal” rumor.

Hey woman, shut up already.

Whatever the case may be, unless a female specifically asks you for one, you may want to hold off on sending her a picture of your genitals…

Especially if she has not met them in person. If you want everyone to become besties, the first encounter should not be at an awkward angle in your dirty bathroom either. That shit is just ri-dic-pic-ulous. TC mark

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