Taylor Swift recently released a new video called “Blank Space” in which she plays the crazy girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend. If you are a (not so closet) Taylor fan like I am, you have probably watched the video a dozen times or sang along (terribly) in the shower. Love her or hate her, either way the video is fantastic, and Miss Swift got me thinking about being an ex and what that entails. Once a relationship ends, you can either be the bigger person and calmly move on or you could literally be the bigger person and let yourself go, and everything in between.
On that note, I thought it would be fun to explore the types of exes we all have, or have all been…
1. The ex who bangs all your friends
While you two were together they couldn’t stand your friends, and you wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along. Well, be careful what you wish for because their genitals have now become besties, and you get to hear all about it from everyone else.
2. The ex who got super hot.
During the duration of your relationship you two collected enough pizza coupons to end world hunger so imagine your dismay when you broke up and discovered they had become even better looking than when you two first met. Did she get new boobs? Did he grow a beard? Yep, and they both got personal trainers who they are probably banging. Suddenly you can no longer see their flaws because you have become blinded by their hotness. Meanwhile, you are probably…
3. The ex who let him/herself go.
While your ex was hitting the gym, you were eating your feelings. Although shacking up with Ben and Jerry was comforting, neither one will fill the void of a penis in your vagina. Get your ass to the gym, just make sure it’s not the same one your ex is frequenting or you will risk becoming…
4. The stalker ex.
Isn’t it weird how they keep “accidentally” showing up everywhere you go? This ex stalks your social media so hard, they end up back at their own profile. Stop checking into places and try to only post pictures where you look amazing and are surrounded by good looking people of the opposite sex. Really, really, ridiculously, good looking people.
5. The ex who has ruined a particular sexual act for you.
Ladies, did you see God when he went down on you? Guys, did she give you a blowjob so good you were wondering what the hell those things you had before were called? If your bedroom hosted the Olympics, they would win the bronze, silver, and gold. From here on out, it’s all a heaping pile of garbage, but if you play your cards right, maybe they will become…
6. The ideal ex.
Also known as the one you still get to bang but don’t have to deal with. There is little to no conversation between you guys. In fact, the only thing you two exchange are orgasms. You don’t even have to pretend to like each other, which is just valuable wasted energy you could be using for sex.
7. The ex who marries the next person they date.
This ex was “never looking for anything serious,” but three months after your break up they are engaged. You’re just like “Good Luck Chuck” except you won’t get to bang anybody as good looking as Jessica Alba.
8. The ex who stays close with your family.
As if suffering through your second cousin’s baby shower wasn’t bad enough, now you get to spend it with your ex because that fucker befriended all of your relatives. If you are really lucky, you’ll get to hear all about their engagement after they have lunch with your mom (who let’s be honest, probably likes them better).
9. The ex on a bender.
This former homebody was actually in a relationship with Netflix while you two were supposed to be dating, but as soon as you broke up, they became the life of the party. Every. Single. Night. Funny, because you didn’t know they allowed sweat pants in the club.
10. The ex you’re still friends with.
Sometimes two people can be totally wrong for each other but come to the realization they still appreciate and love the other person as a human being so they remain friends. How mature of you two huh? Keep in mind this ex can also be referred to as “the ex that will piss off every future significant other until the end of time.”
11. The crazy ex.
I know people hate the word “crazy,” but let’s face it, there is really only one word to describe the shit storm that ensues when you two finally call it quits. There are the hateful texts, even angrier voicemails, and the keeping hostage of your shit. You probably never want to talk to this person again, but you really miss your favorite sweatshirt. Don’t make a rookie mistake, and get it back before you change your number.
12. The ex you hate with the fire of a thousand suns.
Everyone has that one ex you hope would get hit with a bus…you are driving. Maybe this person banged all your friends or perhaps they still have your dog…either way, you hope they come down with one of the random scary viruses all over the media. You aren’t picky, Ebola is fine. Bird flu will also suffice.
13. The one that got away.
Tear* Perhaps this was your first love. Maybe it was bad timing. For whatever reason, it never worked out according to plan, but you will always look back on them fondly and wonder what could have been…just as long as they didn’t let themselves go.