This past weekend was Riot Fest in Chicago which means music festival season is finally coming to a close.
Like most summer concert attendees, you probably feel equal parts sadness and relief that although you can’t view 15 minutes of every band you have ever enjoyed all at once, you won’t have to deal with the awful specimen of people sweating all over you.
Daylong music fests draw in people from all walks of life, but because my soul is filled to the core with sass, I would like to focus on all of the worst people you will encounter at every music festival. Some of these people are strangers while some you may have brought with you, but regardless, they should all go play in traffic.
1. The “cool” parents.
Did they wake up this morning and think, “Hey. You know what that loud, over crowded, smoky festival needs…my children and all their shit.” You know what would have actually been cool? Hiring a sitter. Now take your double wide stroller off my foot, and shove it up your ass.
2. Your ex.
Aren’t you glad you introduced him/her to all your favorite bands? Now you get to relive the magic with them and their new significant other. You will lose everyone you came in with and never find them again, but if one thing in life is certain, you will run into your ex every ten minutes for the entire weekend.
3. Chatty Cathy.
You have endured days of extreme weather, crowds, and vile porta potties just to hear that one song, and when it finally gets played, your friend just won’t shut the fuck up. You are literally just nodding and singing along directly into their face, but they keep going on and on about some ex or something.
4. Overactive bladder.
You will spend more time waiting for this person in the never-ending bathroom line than actually watching bands. They are fully aware of their inability to hold it, but it still won’t stop them from consuming 14 beers, 8 cups of coffee, and numerous flasks of Jameson. Get them a package of Depends for Christmas or lose their number by next summer.
5. The drunk girl who “doesn’t give a fuck.”
She bumped into you violently several times, burned a passer by with her cigarette, and squeezed her way into a spot that didn’t exist, but don’t expect an apology. After the rest of her group see the ‘I am going to murder your friend’ look on your face they try to reason with her, but her lack of common social decency went out the window with her morals half a dozen beers ago. I like to let Karma (in the form of a crowd surfer kick to the head) handle this one.
6. The person who shits in the porta potty.
Yeah yeah, I read the book. I am aware that everybody poops, but that doesn’t make me hate this individual any less. Riot fest smelled like a zoo because you had to eat Mexican food and wash it down with beer all afternoon. Next year be smart, fast for several days, and spare us all the scent of your shit basking in the summer sun.
7. Captain Obvious.
Oh, is it hot outside in the middle of July? Tell me again about how crowded it is. We are all equally as uncomfortable as you, but like adults, we mask our miserableness with alcohol so starting drinking more and caring less. And yes, we are already aware the beer is expensive, thanks.
8. Stage-9 clinger.
All you wanted to do was find a hot random to suck face with for a few songs, but suddenly red pants guy is following you from stage to stage. You realized six minutes in to your make out session that he was not in fact your soul mate, but now you are having a hard time shaking him. Just tell them your friend has to pee again, and lose him at the porta potties.