Last night I went by my parents’ house for dinner. My father asked me to set the table so I grabbed a handful of knives, forks, and plates and set them out. My mom came out of the kitchen horrified that I forgot to include several items including the charger plates.
For those of you who don’t know what they are, don’t worry. I am pretty sure only my mother and Martha Stewart keep several sets handy at all times.
Basically, they are large, plastic plates you set the dish that contains your food upon, but the chargers themselves are not safe for direct food consumption.
So yeah, you got it. They are giant, useless, toxic plates not made to be eaten off of at all.
I pointed this out, but my mom insisted I use one regardless, along with two separate forks/knives, and cloth napkins. I tried to inform her that the President was not coming to eat crappy Chinese food with us, but she just said, “When you get married and finally decide to become an adult, you will register for things like charger plates and understand.”
Psht. She doesn’t know me at all because the first thing I will register for is “Big Top Cupcake.”
Charger plates aren’t the only item that make you a grown up apparently. There are numerous amounts of crap you can buy to get some adult street cred so I have composed a list (because that is what adults do, they make lists right?) of all the other items in your home that let you know you are officially a real functioning member of society, sort of.
1. An iron/ironing board.
Because you finally realized Downy Wrinkle reducer doesn’t actually work, and using your Chi flat iron just won’t cut it anymore. The “effortless, just rolled out of bed” look now only applies to your hair which actually took you 45 minutes to achieve.
2. A garlic press.
If you specifically went out and bought one, you have actively decided the powdered version had become too juvenile for your exquisite palate, and you needed its real counterpart. More so, it means you are actually cooking something worthwhile and not just using an old Tupperware to heat up Spaghetti O’s anymore.
3. A juicer.
You have always hated eating your vegetables, but now you decide to drink a shit load of them for breakfast so you will feel less guilty eating Pizza for every other meal for the rest of the week your life.
When you are actually able to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet instead of just a dusty, half empty bottle of Peach Schnapps on top of your fridge, you are on your way to adulthood. However, you haven’t arrived until you own…
5. Different glasses.
You no longer drink wine out of coffee mugs and everything else out of Red Solo cups (you don’t want to admit you have washed more than once). You own a plethora of glassware including nice champagne glasses, even though you still can’t afford a decent bottle and only drink it on New Year’s Eve to feel fancy.
6. An extra set of bed sheets.
Instead of washing your sheets, being too lazy to put them back on for days, and sleeping directly on your mattress like an animal, you have extra sheets you promptly apply. Bonus adult points if they aren’t Jersey or have a thread count above 300. If you have an actual bed skirt, coverlet, and shams as well, you should win some sort of award.
7. A coffer maker.
One day you realized you actually had bills to pay so you broke up with your $10 a day Starbucks habit. Who needs a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino when you can have Foldgers in your cup for mere pennies a day?
You do. That’s why you buy the fancy creamers to hold you over until you get a bunch of gift cards from work on various holidays.
8. Furniture you didn’t have to put together.
There will come a time when a trip to Ikea will make you cry and just the mere thought of assembling a dresser will leave you wanting to kill yourself. You will never be able to avoid Swedish Hell on Earth entirely, but at least now you have all that liquor handy when your friends drag you there on a Saturday afternoon with the promise of “fifteen minutes tops” and a cinnamon roll.
9. A paint color any form of beige.
I don’t care if it’s called “Eggshell”. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s beige, and you’re officially old. If everything else in the room is beige as well, you’re Pottery Barn.
10. Paper goods.
When you have tissues in your bathroom, napkins in your kitchen, and toilet paper stocked in your home at all times, you are half way there. When you have finally established the difference and stop blowing your nose on paper towels, you have made it!
And last but not least…
11. Useless items.
If you have candles you never burn and soaps you will never use, congratulations, you are finally an adult. You might as well start watching your cholesterol and flossing twice daily. Just make sure not to dry your hands or face on the fancy towels.