1. The “Non-Smoker”
This friend will lecture you on the dangers of smoking on a daily basis. She constantly complains about the smell that follows you everywhere, yet once she gets a little tipsy, she is not only smoking your entire pack, she is walking up and the down street trying to buy cigarettes off people for a dollar. By the end of the night she will sound like Scarlett Johansson and will have put the entire series of “Mad Men” to shame.
2. The Lover
Once she slams a few cocktails she will start telling you about how you mean the world to her. It’s all so sweet until she gives the very same speech to each of your other friends. She really loves them as well. And that guy. Every guy actually. Oh, and this bar. And that chair. The floor too.
Don’t forget about her new BFF (aka the bathroom attendant) who will be coming to eat with you guys later.
3. The Baby Giraffe
While she once strutted in her six-inch heels, she is now carrying them. They have betrayed her, much like her legs, and the ground beneath her feet. Watching Bambi attempt to walk is oh so adorable, until you spend the next 40 minutes looking for her tooth.
4. Miss 1985.
This friend eats organically and refuses to take things like Advil sober, but half way through the bottle she is asking the bar back where she can score some Coke. It takes you a minute to realize she isn’t referring to the soft drink and that you are in an after school special.
5. Sleeping Beauty.
Or more like Sleeping Drooly, AM I RIGHT? I’m here all week.
She is face down in a plate of nachos because you let her finish an entire bottle of wine with dinner, which happened to be approximately 6 pieces of sushi. You brought this upon yourself you know…next time take her for double bacon cheeseburgers, and you won’t have to carry her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.
6. Crazy eyes
One eye is focused on you while the other is about to break free from her face. She may be composed in every other way, but her eyes tell the real story, which in this case is about how she’s a long lost relative of Steve Buscemi.
7. Honest Abe
Now you know why her hair was so big.
Once she has some truth juice, all of her (and everyone else’s) deep dark secrets start coming out. Sure it’s fun to know all the hot gossip, until she spills the beans about the drunken time you made out with your friend’s little brother, who may or may not have been in high school. Thanks a heap Captain Cosmo.
Luckily, she’s only one shot of Jamo away from telling the story about when Becky shit her pants in Puerto Vallarta, and you’re in the clear.
8. The Overconfident Drunk
Once she reaches that special level of intoxicated, she suddenly thinks she is a Jack of all trades. She can be found trying to seduce a guy across the bar by grinding on a chair or attempting to sing karaoke although her voice sounds like dying cats mating. No matter how horrifying, you must endure every second so you can film it for YouTube just in case she breaks all her pinky promises to take things to the grave.
9. Bad Girl’s Club
This impatient drunk couldn’t be bothered to actually wait for a bartender to bring her a drink so she decided to grab a bottle and self -serve. As you are getting thrown out while simultaneously apologizing to the bouncer, she can be found shouting obscenities at a garbage can that looked at her the wrong way.
10. The Flasher
Sober, she is a lady who always bends at the knees and crosses at the ankle. Yeah, well, that was four mojitos and three lemon drops ago. Now she can’t seem to keep her lady parts contained. She is currently ass up in the booth trying to locate her phone she dropped under the table, and when she finally emerges she will have at least one nipple exposed.
Put her coat on backwards and tie it like a straight jacket before guys start throwing dollars her way. Better yet, start collecting those dollars because someone has to buy that bathroom attendant pizza.