Those of you who know me in real life are aware that I recently joined a gym. I truly hate working out, but it was either that or invest in some elastic waist pants since mine were leaving such deep indentations, one may think I was trying to start some new body modification trend.
I bought some yoga pants and a new pair of Nike shoes and thought I was ready to take on the world…or at least the elliptical for 20 minutes until the paramedics were called.
I was always under the impression that the gym was a place to which you give a portion of your paycheck to use its services. Anyone who has ever bought a piece of exercise equipment knows that after a few months, it will become a coat rack, therefore you must join a gym so you constantly feel bad paying for something you don’t use. However, everything else I thought I knew about going to the gym was way off.
For starters, I was unaware that if you are female and wish to be a part of any exercise based establishment, you must own a pair of Lululemon yoga pants regardless if you have never done yoga or even know what the word yoga means. While I thought I was one step ahead of the game by not working out in nacho stained pajamas, instead my Old Navy ones had me feeling like I was carrying a Prado handbag at a Prada fashion show.
In addition to my fashion faux pas, I missed the memo stating I must have pageant hair and a full face of make-up just in case the paparazzi are waiting outside. Keep in mind you must also be a beautiful shade of bronze in the middle of the winter. After a few visits, I’m starting to think people may be unimpressed with my legs being so white they are actually clear. No folks she is not Albino, just naturally that pale. Ooooh, Ahhhhh!
It is also widely known that no female under any circumstance should sweat. You are allowed to look only slightly flushed, but if one bead runs down your forehead you might as well be Mariah Carey after making “Glitter.” God forbid you look like shit while you are simultaneously sweating your ass off/dying. Apparently, breathing like Darth Vader in lamaze class is also frowned upon.
In order to be part of a gym you must also blast either really bad techno music or old Britney Spears so everyone around you can hear 1998 through your headphones. I guess no one is going to believe you are serious about your work out if you are listening to actual music.
I have also gathered that it is far better to sit on/stand next to any given piece of equipment rather than use it. Why would you actually want to lift weights when you can just hang out by them and play on your phone? It must be widely known that looking at a treadmill burns just as many calories as running on one.
*Also note that you must check in on Foursquare or post a picture to Instagram because everyone knows your “work out” didn’t really count unless everyone knows about it.