This year is the first year I didn’t dress up. I strategically scheduled a mini-vacation last weekend to avoid having to create a costume that is both original and just the right amount of slutty for my age. I mean, I am not 21 anymore, but I am still a woman who needs to let her inner skank out at least one night a year before it blows up on a girl’s trip to Cabo…
Going the funny route is also a viable option, but I am far too tired to even attempt to think of anything clever let alone try to make it myself. I thought about how I used to get so excited for Halloween and how I would spend weeks (if not months perfecting my costume). The past few years I have recycled the only costume I own that someone managed to not get trashed, with the exception of this year, in which I did even less.
I couldn’t even manage to put on a pair of dollar store cat ears.
I really used to look forward to all major holidays as well, but as I have gotten older, things have changed dramatically. Mostly, I no longer need an excuse to eat or drink…
Let’s start with February which harbors Valentine’s Day, a day where you get showered with gifts from your loved one for merely existing. Remember being in your 20s and looking forward to all the hearts filled with chocolate and sparkly pieces of jewelry? Being in your 30s and realizing all that chocolate will make your ass fat and that crappy necklace from the mall kiosk is not in fact a diamond ring is somehow not as fun.
St. Patrick’s Day used to be an all day drinking extravaganza beginning earlier than you currently leave for work. You even spent hours at the party store picking out the perfect amount of flare. Now-a-days drinking a Guinness on your couch in your underwear trumps going to a crowded bar (filled with children) which reeks of vomit. Even if your college buddies manage to drag you out, you will pull a Houdini and be asleep by the time they get kicked out of their very first bar.
Easter was once a fun day filled with baking cupcakes and decorating eggs with your roommates before going home to visit the family you so desperately missed. As you have got older, Easter means your siblings’’ screaming children and searching the yard for rotting chucks of egg said children left behind. If you are extra lucky, your mom will repeatedly ask you why you don’t have any of your own.
The Fourth of July was always fun involving BBQs and lighting shit on fire, but since “The great firework fiasco of 2006,” no one wants to come in contact with anything other than sparklers. Getting older means learning that it’s all fun and games until someone loses a finger.
Thanksgiving was once two holidays: the actual food fest, and the night before. Over the past few years you have come to realize that getting hammered on Black Wednesday only interferes with your full schedule of eating, napping, and repeating the next day. I for one can’t compromise my stomach for the eating Olympics.
Let’s be honest, Christmas was once the greatest day of your life. All you had to do was show up to get showered with presents from relatives you forgot existed while your mom made you endless amounts of cookies and hot cocoa. Fast forward to today where your Christmas list is a mile long, and all you want to do is spend all your cash on wine to survive all the family functions you are obligated to attend.
Finally, there is New Year’s. Remember buying the tickets, ordering a limo, and finding the perfect dress? A night with endless possibilities…which you have come to realize is just another effing night only on this particular one you get to spend three times as much to be annoyed and hung over. Also, don’t forget to make your umpteen resolution you will literally break the following day.