This Is How You Stop Yourself From Dying Alone

jamie neely
jamie neely

Recently I was having a conversation with a 30-year-old male friend of mine about why he was still single. He was distraught that he simply couldn’t find a nice girl and settle down. By all means, he should have a girlfriend. He is thoughtful, funny, intelligent, and good looking. 

I found it hard to imagine it would be difficult for him to meet a woman, until he described to me what he is looking for exactly. Pull up a chair because this could take awhile… 

Ideally he wants to meet a 23-year-old (or younger), Mila Kunis look alike who is short (5’4″ or smaller), weighs around 115 lbs, and is a non-smoking, vegan, yoga instructor. She has to be a “bit of a trainwreck,” meaning she has to have some sort of past issue he can help her through, but not baggage so severe he can’t fix her. She also needs to have several tattoos, look hot both with and without makeup, never age, and have a wardrobe consisting of mostly lace and knee high socks. She must make him laugh, not mind that he has a young son, have zero pre-existing medical conditions, and think that diamonds are stupid/not want one. She must also swallow and have beer-flavored nipples.

I may have added in that last part, but I figured if you are training to go to the Olympics, you might as well go for the gold…

Let’s pretend this celebrity look-a-like spinner type actually does exist physically (and by some miracle is single)…she still needs to fit the rest of his mental requirements and not like bacon (!!!!). In his mind, this was not too much to ask.

Why should he “settle for anything less” than he was looking for?  

“But what about meeting a ‘7’ who becomes a ’10’ in your eyes once you get to know them?” I begged, I pleaded.  He simply told me that was not how his brain operates, and he needs to find the whole package right off the bat.

It was that moment I realized my dear friend was going to die alone…and to be honest, he probably deserves it. Shit, I will personally buy him a plethora of cats.

Sure, when we were all younger, my friends and I all made big plans to marry handsome, athletic, intelligent, hilarious, doctors with eyes as blue as the sky and the bodies of Greek Gods.  Nowadays, most of my friends should aim to find a guy without a drinking problem who owns a car…or a motorcycle. A bike. A bus pass? 

If you are a fully grown woman who is still expecting to meet Dr. McDreamy, then you might as well start covering your fridge in Kathy comics because the only men you are going to be intimate with are Ben and Jerry. Guys, if you don’t want to end up with one really strong arm living in an apartment furnished with red leather couches, you need to lower your standards. 

Everyone you will meet has some kind of issue. If you can find someone whose imperfections or level of crazy coincides with your own, then you have hit the jack pot.  Basically, aim to find a person who loves your rendition of “Born this way” in the shower every morning and call it a day. 

Stop going for only “10s” because beauty fades, and eventually we will all look like shit. Usually the more attractive you are, the harder you will fall anyway. Just think of some of those people from your past who now look like they ate their former selves. I know personally, if I had married for looks, I would now be staring at a balding, overweight, used car salesman who once had abs that just wouldn’t quit. 

The idea of “perfect” does not exist. It will never exist. Even the illusion of perfection fades.  After all, I’m pretty sure even Mila Kunis farts in her sleep. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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