New Rules Regarding Tampons
By Thoughtis
No more embarrassing commercials.
Can we get a commercial where a woman’s period doesn’t completely incapacitate her until she finds the “perfect” tampon? I’m just an average Jill, not freaking Goldilocks. Any tampon will do. Not to mention that my tampon game has been on lock for like, the last 15 years. I don’t need you to tell me how to go to the beach or to my friend’s wedding. I’ve had period sex. If I can navigate that, I can navigate a day trip to Newport.
Tampons are not cigarettes, do not keep them behind your deli counter.
What are you doing with the tampons back there, casting spells on them? Can’t they go on the shelves next to the maxi pads that no one’s going to buy? I see you, deli man. Wouldn’t want to embarrass the young girls and old folks buying maxi pads. Save the shaming for the Jezebels who just loooove their feminist tampons. While you might hate me and my freewheelin’ vagina, coming into your store and yelling, “No, not the phone card… no, the box to the right… the PURPLE box. With the TAMPONS in it,” while a line forms behind me is not a good look for either of us. Quit middle-manning me.
Nix scented tampons.
I can’t pretend that I’m completely discerning about what goes into my body, but I am quite vigilant about what goes into my vagina. And scented tampons are exiled. I’m sorry, but a vagina is not a candle. I do not want my most adult body part smelling like a newborn baby. Even if you’re all about creating ambiance, scents are no good for your vaginal pH levels. Or something.
No more bringing entire purses to the bathroom or otherwise concealing that tampons are in the metaphorical ‘house.’
Most people over the age of 16 are intimately familiar with periods or at the very least, they’re aware that they occur on occasion. Is it too much to ask that we leave our Magellan tampon disappearing act in high school, where it belongs? (You know what I’m talking about — when you like, slyly slip a tampon up your sleeve before heading to the bathroom, shank-style? Like you’re in PRISON?) I’ve accepted that I have a period. Come join my party.
We are all sisters when it comes to our periods.
I know sometimes we get lazy or we’re “pretty sure” we don’t have an extra tampon, but if a woman comes up to you and asks for a spare, you need to brush your laziness, stinginess, or cattiness aside and help a sista out. The only exception is when you’re on the rag and have a limited number of tampons at your disposal. You know damn well that the one thing that sucks worse than needing a tampon is soliciting them from other people. Seriously. It’s not like asking for a piece of gum or a cigarette. If someone has to ask a stranger for a tampon, things are about to get real. Too real. This is really a situation where you want to do unto others as you’d want done to yourself. When someone asks me for a tampon and I don’t have an extra, I ask whatever women I’m with if they have any — on the needy person’s behalf so that they don’t have to — and I’m almost always able to come through in the clutch with a plug. It’s that simple. And as a bonus, I now have good tampon karma. Do you?