1. Bring your baby for extended periods of time. I know, I know. Babies are cute and everyone loves them and what kind of woman discriminates against babies in the workplace? But seriously. People are trying to work, bro. It’s fine if your baby wants to poke its head in for a quick cameo, but once it starts yodeling it’s time to clock out.
2. Leave the toilet unflushed. When did it become okay to not flush the toilet? Did you mistake this extraordinarily modern restroom for the wild west? This isn’t a truck stop or an Andrew WK concert, it’s an office that you share with toilet-flushing adults. Get your shit together, literally.
3. Forgo headphones. Unless it’s agreed upon that one coworker (The “DJ”) will play music for the enjoyment of the entire office, put your goddamn headphones on. Double that if you’re watching YouTube videos. No one needs to hear you listen to what seems to be an endless Malcolm X speech, unless you’re actually trying to incite violence against white people. Because if you are, I vote we start with people who refuse to wear headphones.
4. Have personal cellphone conversations while everyone around you is busy, like, working. It’s great that you have friends, love that for you, but please take your conversation about seemingly nothing elsewhere so that the rest of us can uh… what’s this place called again? Oh, right. WORK.
5. Destroy the coffee area. You see this coke bump of sugar, here? How about the Lake Superior of coffee you left behind? I love modern art as much as the next girl, but I draw the line at abstract coffee grinds. You, my friend, are why we can’t have nice things.
6. Whistle, hum, convulse. If you are a person who cannot exist without making noise, might I suggest a job as um… I don’t know, a toddler?
7. Fight. Fighting gives people the secondhand cringes. It doesn’t matter who it’s with — your boss, your husband, your cellphone provider — just try to not treat the office like it’s the set of Jerry Springer. On second thought, if you must fight, the preferred method is 90s talk show-style. I want to see weaves flying, girl. Don’t hold back.
8. Chew gum. A general life rule: If I can tell that you’re chewing gum, you’re probably doing it wrong. And if you’re not sure whether you’re on the right side of gum chewing, you’re probably not.
9. Make seriously questionable food choices. If you think it’s okay to bring three-day-old fish to work like it’s not going to assault every nostril within a 10-foot radius of your desk, how are we supposed to trust you with like, anything? Real question.
10. Cry. JK. Definitely cry at the office. Sometimes it gets you sent home early!