I’m Going To Break My Own Heart

I’m going to break my own heart.

It’s not like I have experience; I’m not qualified or certified and there’s certainly no user’s manual for the thing so I’m just going to have to take my best guess, just going to steal my cues from films and novels and people I used to know.

I’ll tell myself I’m only good enough to be kissed in the backs of bars where no one we know is looking, only good enough for purposeful and meaningless late night cab rides that our driver will be all too familiar with and you know, casual things of that nature. I will not expect to meet your parents, I will not expect you to show up at my door with soup when I’m not well enough to chase you around this city, I will not expect you at all and this seems to be the quietest way, the best way to become broken because it’s so silent and seamless that it’s like nothing’s even happening.

Or maybe I’ll present you with every expectation I’ve ever had: the one where our pinkies mindlessly find one another when we’re walking sidebyside and the one where I don’t always have to call first and the one where I’m allowed to, wordlessly, leave an extra sweater toothbrush lipstick at your place because it’s convenient for me and that’s reason enough. I’ll hand over all of those expectations, give ’em all to you with no questions asked, walk away quickly so that I don’t have to watch you hold them all in your arms and think, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all of this?

I may be going about this the wrong way though; maybe breaking myself is like, performance art or something. Maybe I should invest in some sort of platform in a town square and stand on top of it reciting all of the missteps my stupid, thoughtless heart has forced me to take, that off-beat and broken compass ticking in my chest. Maybe I should chastise it, tell it it’s useless and misinformed and directionally-challenged; maybe I should tell it how it’s the ugliest part of me, uglier than toenails and moles and hairs that creep past their lines. And then — because this is art, because this is a show — I can charge admission, turn a profit while I make my audience question the malfunctioning devices moving in their chests. When the day is done, I’ll go home and spend the money on drugs or ice cream or whatever broken-hearted people spend their money on.

I guess it’s reasonable to wonder why I’d do something like this, but not really. I’m doing it because it’s bound to happen anyway. I’m doing it because just one time, I’d like to be the one in control.

I’m doing it so that you can’t. TC mark

image – Shutterstock


More From Thought Catalog

  • H

    Ohh, it’s like you’re me.

  • http://somethingshedated.wordpress.com Something She Dated

    Love this.

  • Sami

    It’s sad, and I understand completely.

  • Asdf

    Damn. Short but great.

    Favorite line: “And then — because this is art, because this is a show — I can charge admission, turn a profit while I make my audience question the malfunctioning devices moving in their chests.”

    In related news: TC, it’s considered anti-social behavior by the web at large to append an advertisement via javascript when I copy stuff from your articles via Ctrl-C. Especially when you consider that it’s so easily defeated by right-clicking and selecting copy. Please remove.

    • OHYEAH

      Those “Read more…” surprise attachments are the devil.

  • guest


  • http://www.facebook.com/rrain.forrest Rain Forrest

    i know

  • SusanDerkins

    We’re all sort of already doing this, aren’t we? With our self sabotaging behavior and picking people that are terrible for us and expecting way too much and then walking away because “it isn’t what we need?”

    • M

      well said and completely and utterly true. we put ourselves through our own hells. i’m currently going through mine. always waiting.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/08/i%e2%80%99m-going-to-break-my-own-heart/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment Romance is the bestselling genre in literature. And odds are you’ve already read romance if you’ve read Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, or Jane Eyre. Most books have an element of romance or some romantic intrigue, even popular series like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games (Team Gale!). Here I attempt to defend the much-derided genre of romance from some of its most typical criticisms. […]

  • B

    Beautiful. Thank you for this.

  • Lee

    so me

  • Sway

    Beautifully written.

  • frank


  • martin

    hairs creeping past their lines was most disturbing.

  • nerdoloco

    I had to read (a lot) about why shit like that had to happen. Turns out I’m compliant codependent and sociopaths smell me a mile away. The only cure, it turns out, is drugs and ice cream.

    • Tk

      Oh let’s be friends.

    • Brynvincible

      I agree, lets be friends. Shit, how’d the sociopaths get such a good sense of smell?

  • CATE

    “I’m doing it so that you can’t.”
    Just did this two weeks ago. Spot on. Thanks for putting it into the words that I couldn’t.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/ReverendJasmine Jasmine

    Starting to feel a bit like this lately. But maybe I’m just being negative and lazy and it’s not happening the way I think it is.

  • http://jude-prescott@blogspot.com Jude

    fuck. this sucks

  • http://shaktiandshanti.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/by-stephanie-g/ By Stephanie G… « shaktiandshanti

    […] more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/im-going-to-break-my-own-heart/#T22fihXW3cxqdkC5.99 Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Filed under Uncategorized | […]

  • Brynvincible

    Chills. Thanks for reading my mind and knowing how to write it down.

  • Carolina

    I always love your writings here!

  • http://liloulou.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/im-doing-it-because-just-one-time-id-like-to-be-the-one-in-control/ I’m doing it because just one time, I’d like to be the one in control. « liloulou


  • http://thegirlwholovedthestars.wordpress.com thegirlwholovedthestars

    exactly what i’m feeling..

  • http://thegirlwholovedthestars.wordpress.com thegirlwholovedthestars

    Reblogged this on The Girl Who Loved The Stars and commented:

  • http://landingtrue.wordpress.com allie
  • LMG

    Brilliant. You are consistently my favorite writer on this site.
    More please!!

blog comments powered by Disqus