1. What is your primary reason for leaving?
2. Did anything trigger your decision to leave?
3. Well, could you elaborate? I’d really appreciate some honesty, here, for once.
4. You don’t like that question much, huh? Okay, how about this one: what was the most satisfying aspect of this relationship? I know the answer will somehow involve my breasts, I just want to make you say it one last time.
5. Does it ever scare you, how predictable you are?
6. What would you change about me? Actually, let’s skip that one.
7. Based on your experience, what do you think it takes to succeed as my boyfriend? Why were you, specifically, not up for the task? Just wondering. Because you seemed to really, really want this position and now you’re abandoning it without explanation. Was it not challenging enough? Too challenging? Elaborate.
8. Does your mother actually hate me, or is that just a thing you say when we’re arguing because you know it’ll make me upset?
9. Do you plan on sleeping with my competitors?
10. Could you cancel those plans, please?
11. Could you at least honor the six-month grace period I suggested when we began dating? I hate to remind you of the verbal contractual agreements we made, but you did repeatedly tell me that you had no interest in sleeping with Rebecca, who, interestingly enough, you’ve been texting throughout the duration of this exit interview… you think I can’t see you? You think I’m blind, now?
12. Do you think you could wait like, ten minutes before continuing to pursue your tasteless and predictable rebounds?
13. Did this relationship help you reach any personal goals?
14. So I guess you’re not going to admit you would still be living at home with your mother had you not entered into this relationship?
15. All jokes aside, does your mother hate me? I can’t tell if you’re joking. If she hates me, would you please elaborate? I’m asking nicely.
16. Should I quit while I’m ahead by retracting that question and changing the subject?
17. Do you have any tips that might help me find your replacement?
18. Do you have any tips other than “more blow jobs” that might help me find your replacement?
19. I mean seriously, that’s comical advice coming from someone who’s practically allergic to going downtown. Yes, I know that wasn’t a question. Who’s interviewing who, here?
20. How do you generally feel about my performance as a girlfriend?
21. Would you recommend being in a relationship with me to your friends?
22. Of course I wouldn’t date one of your friends, why, did one of them mention they were interested?
23. Would you consider re-entering the relationship in the future?
24. Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay with the relationship? I’m pretty much contractually bound to ask you that, by the way. Unless the answer is ‘yes,’ in which case I’m on board personally, as well.
25. Thanks for your valuable time and feedback. I wish you the best of luck in your future pursuits, unless they involve Rebecca.