Five years and ten pounds ago, I created my first OkCupid profile; I’ve been an intermittent user ever since. And I’ve had a pretty good run — not one of my dates has ended in tears, murder-suicide, or at the Olive Garden — but it’s become clear that my glory days have been behind me for… at least two years now. My account is like some sad housewife who occasionally gets touched and acknowledged but is mostly loathed from afar, just for existing. It’s dawned on me that I’m just not Hannah Horvath-hungry-for-love anymore. I get enough tricking-internet-people-into-thinking-I’m-worth-something time at my day job, thankyouverymuch.
So then I was like, I can’t be the only person whose last seven dates have ended in miscalculated terrorist fist bumps (act of endearment for the President and First Lady, horrifying for everyone else). Surely, there’s an untapped market for people who once really enjoyed online dating but are now kind of unsociable and overworked and empty and just… old and hopeless. WHAT OF US? Where are the sites that fulfill my (worrisome, alienating) needs? I have a few suggestions:
One And Done
One and Done is a website for people who would like to preemptively agree that no one is obligated or even expected to make contact for a second date. Just, the girl you’re seeing is throwing you shade and possibly banging her ex-boyfriend; you want to spend a few hours pretending that you’re not getting played out by taking another girl on a date; I’m bored and my friends are all away this weekend doing something expensive — BOOM. Date. I’ll even let you pay, so that it feels authentic. Thank me later! (Or don’t, actually just never contact me again, that’s the gist here.)
The .Gif Of Love
Can you come up with a better way to weed out all of the losers who don’t know how to pronounce “meme”? On this HELLA IDEAL dating website, your profile solely consists of .gifs and captions. An excerpt from my profile would look something like this, for example:
When I’m broke and you insist on paying the bill
How I want to spend our time together
The Antisocial Network
The Antisocial Network serves as a platform for people consumed by their social media presences. Matched according to follower ratios, users exchange Twitter handles, follow each other’s Tumblrs and — dare I say it? — become Facebook friends for the purpose of cheering one another on through appropriate social media channels (using Retweets, Hearts, Likes, you name it) and forging what appears to be a deep and compassionate bond (at least, to the users’ more naïve followers). The ideal Antisocial Network user will expect — nay, insist — that the relationship never move offline (though it may move to GChat, if the users are feeling exceptionally bubbly).
Seamless & A Movie
This isn’t really a dating website, we can just both order Seamless web to our respective homes and send each other links to videos we found on reddit via our preferred instant message client. Who’s hungry?