5 Terrible Dating Scenarios Mostly Everyone Hates

1. When Someone Becomes Interested In You Once You Quit Liking Them

Gather ’round children, for I’ve obtained the secret to human attraction: if you like someone and want to date them in a real and meaningful way… you’ve already gone too far. The key is not earnestness, it’s to get over your crush. Fast. Just stop liking them. And then they’ll like you! Such curious timing right, that someone you were really into shows up eons late to the game and they’re suddenly all about you… is it your haircut? A new job? Or is your former crush mistaking your disinterest for independence?

When you liked them, they thought you were clingy and pathetic, but now that you legitimately want nothing to do with them they’re all, “Wow, she’s not picking up on the first ring anymore… or ever. What is she up to? This is really intriguing!” It’s like, no, I’m not playing coy or hard-to-get; I’m not more interesting than I was when I liked you THREE SECONDS AGO; I’m not ignoring you to tease your intrigue — I just plain don’t like you anymore. I’m acting this way because I do not like you. Why does that turn you on, again?

2. When The Smart, Hot, Funny Person Who Flirts With You All The Time Is In A Relationship (?!)

Oh, Smart Hot Funny Flirtatious Coupled-Up Person, why are you so cruel? Don’t you realize that when we met, you restored my faith in a dream deferred? A dream that someday, I’d meet a Smart Hot Funny person like yourself and we’d talk over drinks for hours about legal herbal drugs and zodiac compatibility and Haruki Murakami, who I’ve never even read before but will now because you, Smart Hot Funny person, recommended I do so? And now, three weeks into our chance meeting, you drop the monogamy bomb, the Kim Kardashian’s ass of bombs, the bomb heard ’round this stupid city I live in because I thought it’d improve my chances of meeting Smart Hot Funny (Single) people. Don’t you understand that the positive consequences of your relationship — security, sexual fulfillment, confidence — serve only to make you more attractive, so attractive that my dying wish is to quarantine you somewhere desolate where single and delusional people can not see you, ultimately forgetting that your charming and dimpled forbidden fruit is ripe and BEGGING TO BE TASTED AND LICKED? Go away.

3. Hearing How Great You Are As You’re Getting Dumped

A reasonable dumper feels the moral obligation to butter up the dumped person by giving them a bit of an ego boost as they pull off the Band-Aid; and it’s likely that someday, the dumped person will appreciate or recognize that the dumper was right: the dumped person is attractive, smart, and primed to be loved by an anonymous someone, someday; just not the dumper, right now. But logical thinking is a long ways coming, so all the dumped person will recognize during this pep talk is that they’re receiving a breakup speech coated in confectionary sugar, that if the dumper actually believed all of these AWESOME ADJECTIVES applied to the FRESHLY DUMPED PERSON, they would not be getting dumped but perhaps engaged, and that this little self-esteem parade unfolding before their bloodshot, begging eyes is a transparent attempt on the dumper’s behalf to avoid any hatred the dumped person might feel. Because who wants that, that breakup hatred? Certainly not the dumper, who stands a good chance of changing their phone number or getting swallowed up by the earth shortly after the breakup anyway in order to circumvent the inevitably messy aftermath of dumping someone who’s “just so… great.”

4. Trying To Defend The Crazy Person You’re Dating To Your Friends

Sometimes you just know when the person you’re dating exhibits red-flaggy, abnormal, or straight up crazy behavior, but you’re kind of okay with it — so long as your friends don’t find out. No one wants to spend their Happy Hour repeating things like, “It’s actually kind of my fault that she broke into the apartment. I mean, I didn’t answer the phone for like… 45 minutes… because I was in the shower…” or “Yeah, he’s been in Italy for three weeks now and hasn’t answered any of my emails but it’s only because he’s a free spirit, which I love about him, by the way!” It’s like, PEOPLE. When I want to be jerked out of denial, I’ll send an SOS or something. I’m not ready to come back down from this cloud made of delusions and epic sex, OKAY?

5. Giving A Flake The Benefit Of The Doubt

Despite our better judgment, sometimes we continuously attempt to make plans with a cornflake and ignore that at this point we can predict with precision how, when, and why they’ll back out. Over text message, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet for dinner, with the candlestick, because of the basketball game! Did I win? I mean, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me five times, DO YOU UNDERSTAND I’M MISSING DEGRASSI FOR THIS, YOU EVIL TIME SUCCUBUS? TC mark

image – Gunnar Grinmes

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  • Renee

    True that!

  • Cake

    I was afraid this was going to be really cliche, but this was all too hilarious. Oh number 4. Thanks for the laughs!

  • Alison

    Number 2 is my life right now. The most frustrating part is he never told me he had a girlfriend. I found out from a mutual friend A MONTH AFTER WE STARTED HANGING OUT.

    WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO MEAN

    • Anonymous

      this is why Facebook stalking is so critical in the early phases of a crush. 

      • http://twitter.com/laurahtfraser Laura Fraser

        it’s never indicated on facebook. ever.

      • Anonymous

        Except when he changes his prof pic to one of himself and his girlfriend kissing… I’m still nuturing this mini-crush, cruel Facebook gods! Can’t this wait until the stage when I hate him/everything?

  • Michaelwg

    Articles like this make it easier to continue my singledom. Keep ’em coming.

  • Guest

    Love this !! Don’t ever give a flake the benefit of the doubt though, it’s too hard to try and break the bad habit of flakiness!

  • Anonymous

    REACH INTO MY BRAIN STEPHANIE REACH INTO MY BRAIN.

  • http://twitter.com/georgiawisdom Georgia

    You’re so great, and you deserve someone better than me, who is going to love you for the wonderful person that you are. FUUUU

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2203179 James Rocker

    #3 should really resonate with any fan of Nada Surf.

  • http://twoseconds.tumblr.com/ Jesse Vaughan

    I’m a pretty great person.

    • Asdf

      Are you dumping yourself?

      • http://twoseconds.tumblr.com/ Jesse Vaughan

        Bullseye.

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

    Hahaha. Maybe number two should read “What I Talk About When I Talk About Polyamory”. Classic Murakami.

  • http://twitter.com/PatrishCee patreeeesh

    omg #4
    also: “I promise he’s cute!! He’s just not very photogenic/He just got a bad haircut that time/he doesn’t have a lot of photos up on facebook. hold up, let me look for a good one–i SWEAR he doesn’t actually look that!”

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    So much truth in this article, it makes me want to slaughter something innocent.

    • Rishtopher

      Please decimate mosquitoes, I hate those. 

  • Kix

    Missing Degrassi ain’t no joke.

    • http://www.facebook.com/WildKard13 Anima Del'Eclissi

      right? *sniff*

  • Domino

    I AM DATING SUCH A FUCKING CORNFLAKE RIGHT NOW AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY

    • Anonymous

      i hope at least the Likes are making you feel better, i feel for you, i’ll pray for you tonight

  • guest

    Secret: I love being #2 to people. I know, I’m horrible. 

    • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      BOO THIS (WO)MAN! :)

    • IamCoyote

      That’s because you are a #2.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1072327612 Ketsia Leste

      That’s like being honest to others, but not to yourself!! Don’t you think you deserve better?

  • Anna

    Flakes should be annihilated.

  • danielle

    and it also sucks when you’re into the #1 person again and suddenly they’re not into you anymore… oh god

    • Sabrinaanne Santos

      :( maaan… it’s been 6 long months of :(:(

  • Anonymous

    AND MY NEW FAVOURITE: i cant really get into a relationship right now but i kind of see myself with you in near future. two days later, hes back to his ex and YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS – AND AND AND AND AND YOU MISSED SO MANY GOOD TV SHOWS AND YOU SPENT TOO MUCH OF YOUR GOOD PERFUME FOR THIS

    • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

       Story of my life right now. “You make me happy, I’m attracted to you, you add a lot to my life without really even having to do anything, but….I don’t know what I want right now so byeeeee.”

      FML.

      • The Cornflake

        They’re just not that into you. 

    • Sabrinaanne Santos

      :(

    • http://twitter.com/shoshkabob Shosh

      “I can’t really get into a relationship right now” is NEVER an actual, true reason. I want to punch whoever thought of it first.

      • Anonymous

        yes yes yes yes and yes! those people should be the first ones to die in a bad horror movie

  • Jenny

    my ex, as he broke up with me, told me i was marriage material. 

    but seriously.. great article.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1072327612 Ketsia Leste

    Been through all of them.. some are more easily overcome than others though! :s
    #1 happens no more
    #2 only once
    #3 I ultimately learned how to take it positively… it REALLY is not about me… it’s you!
    #4 can’t stop doing it—might be explained by the fact that I would want my friends to understand why am so into him!
    #5 well… classes not over–yet!

  • Pesto

    Oh god I’m in the midst of a hardcore #2 situation right now… STOP KISSING MY HAND/THE TOP OF MY HEAD/TELLING ME I’M THE MORIARTY TO YOUR HOLMES (?) YOU TAKEN DOUCHE POTATO

  • http://twitter.com/shoshkabob Shosh

    Oh god, I am always that person in #1. When people suddenly back off and give me more space to know them I start to like them as opposed to when they were ready to morph their personalities for me. It’s only happened like 3 times but god it’s still so awfully imbalanced.

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